lUbs..

就当作最后是我不爱了。关上门以后，就算爱你又如何。

2011-08-19T01:49:00.015+08:00

its been an insane 5 months.

but first things first, my Wedding of the 21st! :D
and so i held my birthday party, wedding style.
...
and got married. :D

i'm married, to my job, my passion, the love of my life.
heeheehee.

much love to the people who turned up, dearest nik and mich who turned up early to help, my dear bridesmaids, and my photogs of the night, drew and myun! :DD

after that, onto production.

IT WAS HELL.
i learnt much on the production, seen loads, and fortunately, made lots of new friends too.
but thats about all i should say about it on cyberspace. HAHA.

life goes on.
ahwells.

i've gotten over the supposed bff.
i think.
i've gotten over the darkness.
i'm sure.

somehow i feel, the stone heart has gotten weaker.
idk.
from not letting anyone/anything in, a knot has since formed.

maybe it was the last experience, maybe its a fear, maybe its all the consequences that i'm afraid of- i don't think i'm prepared to take that step again.
i'm afraid to take the leap of faith, to drop the bomb again.

or maybe, i'm just waiting. ...waiting to feel wanted.
i don't really know.

AHWELLS.
life goes on.

love,
Jane
the choices are yours, you learn to live with them.

why, those near and dear.

2011-03-17T01:45:00.008+08:00

happy pills!
this i need.

yes, again- what does jane do when she's stressed up?
she blogs.

RAHRRRR TOO. MANY. THINGS. HAPPENING.

though i DO ask for it sometimes. :/

SO.

earlier this year i finally fulfilled my dream of being in a wedding gown. HAHA.

Starring as Seraphina in Faithworks' 10th anniversary double-bill,

in Getting Married with Dad Dead Next Room by local playwright, Dora Tan.

i didn't have exactly an easy time, butwells.

all turned out well. :D

then onto ticketing for Pangdemonium's production of Closer.

it was a traumatizing experience i assure ye. i had nightmares about tickets, even AFTER the show had closed. :/

but i learnt alot nonetheless. it was a good learning experience above all i suppose. :)

all that, while having school and assignments to hand in. x.x

i need to stop being so over-achieving.

so there we have it.

3 months flying by, just like that.

mega busy.

though this didn't stop things from getting to me.

1st it was the bff, or supposed bff. of 9 years. 10 this year actually.

then came nat.

i really, REALLY, don't know whats wrong with people. or me maybe.

all these people, who mean so much for me.

i try and try and yet they just DON'T SEE IT.

WHY! >:(

i'm angry, i'm annoyed, i'm mad.

i'm disappointed, i'm pissed off.

but i'm also sad.

i'm lost, i'm hurt, i'm upset.

i feel defeated, given up on, and utterly torn.

why do people like to do this to me.

especially the ones i hold so near and dear. :(((

i thought i was over the supposed-bff.

until everything came bursting out the other day WHY mentioned that he'd asked her for my production with Faithworks.

the very fact that she could answer him, and ignore everything else i've done.

the very fact that i see her so active on fb, and yet seem like a fleeting ghost of the past to her.

the very fact, that i am still so heartbroken over her, and it seems like nothing to her.

the floodgates open and everything gushed out. :(((

i try and try, and yet fail time and again.

i suppose numbing the pain with work IS the only thing i can do now.

so glad i still have the lousy fish, WHY, my darling bimbo queen and charlz to fall back onto.

xoxo,

Jane

i'm not that strong, afterall. < /3

2010.

2010-12-25T00:35:00.004+08:00

why hello there!
hahaha.

SO. 2010 is finally coming to an end.
instead of doing a recap of the year like i did last year, i decided that this year, i will do reflections instead. HAHA.
i know right. what i was always forced to do in secondary school and i'm actually doing it out of my own accord now. ohwells.

2010, as all years, has been a mixture of ups and downs. more downs than ups, unfortunately. but 2010 also brought me a couple of the most amazing people, and some of the best experiences.

the girlfriends,
who have always stuck by me.
we might've had our differences, our quarrels, our highs and lows.
but thankyou, for always being there.
you are more than i can wish for.

the family,
who've always been there when i needed them.
thank you for being some of the most amazing people i have.

the production people,
who have since become good friends.
i'm glad for you being more than simply "someone i got to know during a production".

the proscenium kids,
who piss me off all the time because of your lack of replies and nonsense,
but give me hope, with your enthusiasm.
you are all worth it. ♥

the 809-ers,
who have been around nonetheless.
for brightening my day/night everytime we meet.
and for... for being you, really. :)

my dearest young co. kids,
my fellow struggling artists,
thank you for being there, i love you all. ♥

and all the accidental good friends.
its been an awesome journey, and i thank you for that. :)

you are all the lovely things that have happened to me in 2010. :)

in 2010,
my career has also seemed to taken flight slightly.
not in the direction that i want it to, but close.
we'll see where it ends up. im hoping i can steer it in the right direction.

in 2010,
i hit the big 2.
rather intimidating when the birthday was approaching,
but now that its over, doesn't seem like a particularly scary thing.

in 2010,
i lost my best friend of 9 years.

in 2010,
i lost my handphone for the 1st time in my life.
then a 2nd followed. T.T

in 2010,
i made many new friends.

in 2010,
i started on my degree.

in 2010,
i've matured a lot.
and wised up a fair bit.

i still think i won't ever get married, or have kids.

but ohwells.

here's to a better 2011.

CHEERS EVERYONE!

love,
Jane
Why worry? If you’ve done the very best you can, worrying won’t make it any better. –Walt Disney

let's go baby, let's go!

2010-09-01T01:49:00.008+08:00

SO.

i just realised i haven't really blogged since like, june.

which is. effectively, almost 3 months ago. :X heh.

Stuff i've been up to:

Performance at Alliance Francaise, Match in the Ring, 爱谁来说 (17th-18th July 2010)

It was a mandarin piece, by The Voice productions. had loads of fun. :D

backstage fooling around.

my on-stage family! :D

younger brother brandon, ah pa, ah ma, meifang, and husband zheng jie.

After that wrapped up,
i dived straight into my next production the following week.

Short & Sweet 2010

Mis_er_Second, 伊庙钟先生 (21st-25th July 2010)

Main protaganist mister 伊庙钟 and my stage boss. haha.
i love how this photo totally captures their stage persona(s).

Mist_er_Second, 伊庙钟先生

in the same week, i was also involved in:

Project YUM! 's 3rd production,
The Visit (23rd-24th July 2010)

i was, again, the bitter wife. haha. Matilda Blumhard, wife of Alfred Ill.

(L-to-R) Darren, Yewei, ME, Seema, and Prav sitting.

The main protagonists were:
Yewei as the lousy husband Alfred Ill, and Prav the awesome Claire Zachanassian.

Seema was reporter #1 or #2 and Darren was Prav's 5th, 6th and 7th husband. or was it 7th, 8th and 9th. umm. yea anyway. haha.

the little pocket bear that darren had! SUPER CUTE.

i went to prod at it everyday. HEEHEEHEE.

then The Visit ended followed by Mist_er_Second, BUT, it wasn't the end for me yet.

the following week,

i had to open for Short & Sweet's week 4,

The Tent (28th July- 1st August 2010)

this was backstage, with actors from Armistice and Women & Gays.

much love to the people i hung out with backstage! :D

no photos onstage though. heh. :P

so after like, 4 productions back-to-back, i finally had time to breathe. haha.
in that time i caught up with rest, people, and myself.

as well as learnt to do subtitles, which is a real pain,

and catch many shows! :D

i got to watch Boeing Boeing which was awesome, the movie Salt which i thought wasn't as bad as my friends had made it out to be, Hair! which was an event at the Esplanade library involving some of my friends singing, White Soliloquy which didn't quite meet my expectations, December Rains which had FLAWLESS singing (KIT CHAN BABEH!), as well as L'Heure Exquisite which featured one of my friends singing.

then i went back into work.
this time, as Stage Manager! HOW FRIGGIN' AWESOME FUN. hahahahha.

I stage-managed for this film-stage collaboration by Wee Lilin and Jean Tay, called:

Under the Sun

thats my little corner up there! :D

the tags i was running around with. :D :D :D

it was definitely an unforgettable experience. from which i've learnt that, maybe, i don't mind doing stage managing as well! heh.

so all in all, yep, i've been having a rather fulfilling life/year.

i might've been absent from this little space of mine, but i most definitely haven't been for life. ;)

till again!

xoxo,

Jane

The world turned me into a whore. I shall turn the world into a brothel. - Claire Zachanassian

cause I'M A FREE BITCH BABY! :DDD

2010-06-24T01:27:00.009+08:00

exams have officially been over for close to 5 days now.
which means...

SCHOOL'S OUT! :D

for the next month or so at least.

but that doesn't mean i've been slacking off okayyyy. rehearsals are going on non-stop now. im packed almost every night. and this sat i'm gonna be having back-to-back rehearsals from 10-1, then 2-5. bugger. :( ohwells.

but on a happier note, i've finally managed to catch a movie. //JENGJENGJENG!

its been so long since my last. i watched toy story 3 with the cikgu! it was good. lives up to its other 2 prequels.

and i suddenly realise. i haven't actually blogged or updated anything about my birthday this year. GASP.

i like this photo manymany. cause it consists of my favourite people. ♥
and of course, cause i'm happy. :D

my birthday this year was held at aloha changi chalet. not the best of places cause its secluded and warm, but at least its big and windy lah. hah.
my lovely helping hands included of my dearest bimbos B1 and B2, chanel and cat. as well as mich and cm. :)

i wouldn't say it was a true blue blast, but wells. good enough i suppose. at least for now.
and i've learnt its horrible to be hosting a party. having to ensure everyone's having a good time and all. rahr. tiring ttm. but anyhoos. it was an experience. i finally got to fulfill my prom dream (kind of, at least). haha.

ONWARD, 21st!
zomg the truly stressful one.

ohwells.
i'll take things at a time for now. :D

life without the pressure of school is indeed sweet.

love,
Jane
But square-cut or pear-shaped, these rocks don't loose their shape. Diamonds are a girl's best friend.

很。辛。苦。

2010-06-17T02:07:00.003+08:00

This week, or rather, today; has been horrible. terrible. disgusting. :(

I definitely only have myself to blame for getting my hopes up but still.-
So i didn't get that english play for S&S. its so painful. i should NEVER have let that wall down and gotten so sure of myself. fuck.
on top of that. i got ditched for studying in school. why? BECAUSE THE FUCKING RAIN WAS TOO BIG. yes. what the fuck. i know. idk. when you get this kind of shit excuses too many times in a row, its just makes you doubt. even when i don't want to.

Not to mention, i already have those 2 problematic plays on hand which i really regret getting involved with because i just feel like abandoning ship right nao. NAO.

All this bullshit. and my exams are in 2 days.
Just what i needed to score a high distinction. really. thanks a lot.

xoxo,
Jane
The next time someone tells you to stop living a lie, you tell them to fuck off, because fiction is kind.

marketing sucks ballz

2010-05-27T13:37:00.004+08:00

What does one (Jane) do when one is stressed out?

One blogs.

And thus explains this post.

Presentation today. I've been working on my ppt. and somehow, it just seems lacklustre. Not as good as the ones i've done. FAIL. :(

which sucks cause i've always taken pride in the fact that the ppts i do up are kick-ass awesome. RAHR.

and the worst part is, i have absolutely no idea how to make it better. ARGH.

HOW NOW BROWN COW. :(

xoxo,

jane

i'm marvellous, so marvellous, yes i am. jane can do this.

Sir Sweets. ♥

2010-05-10T00:01:00.003+08:00

And so i did it in the end.

Point-form, speech-styled. hah.

It was scary, definitely.

I mean, you can never be prepared for this kind of things.

But, ahwells.

Its over now and I'm trying to adjust back.

Things like this happen.

and i realise. You DO, only live once.

And i'm glad i spilled my heart out, at least. :)

love,

Jane

this is how we roll! ♥

a date, you say?

2010-04-20T01:03:00.004+08:00

and right after how i'd felt,

you dropped the ultimate bomb.

I KNOW,

i know its not like the world has reached its end.

I KNOW,

i know its not like thats the end of things.

I KNOW,

i know it doesn't really mean anything much.

BUT.

my heart just sank. right into the valleys of my guts.

i suppose its right that things turn out like that.

i just... wasn't prepared to hear that.

love always,

Jane

i'll never talk again. i'll never love again. i'll never long again.

hello sir sweets, if only you know how i feel

2010-04-19T22:47:00.003+08:00

And.
昨晚发觉。我们根本，是两个世界的人。

你的文化气息，你的修养气质，你的潇洒倜傥。

我的流氓文化，我的缺乏不足，我的疯狂举止。

我，配不上你。 :(

这样的痛，这样的矛盾，你，又了解吗？

雯，字。

crush-ed

2010-04-19T00:12:00.003+08:00

就你的一句话- it pierced my heart.

刺穿了我的心。

把我的一切“可能”，“如果”，“万一”，都打翻了。

那天看了聊斋后，才发现，心还是温的。有点儿难以置信，但心这样扑通扑通，一直提醒着我似的。提醒着我，我还是会爱的。

才学会，越在乎，就越义无反顾。

i will learn to cope.

and i will learn, to face myself.

love,

Jane

我还是我。

prettyboy

2010-04-17T02:36:00.004+08:00

he loves me.

he loves me not.

he likes me.

he likes me not.

he thinks likewise.

he doesn't.

he can read my thoughts.

he can't.

he'll realise what im thinking one day,

and think alike.

he won't.

RAHR.

love,

Jane

-and the pain won't go away, even if you tried sealing it up.

these days are fast, nothing lasts

2010-03-24T00:56:00.003+08:00

So i'd spent the past few hours blog-hopping.
Hopping through my juniors' blogs.

People who i might've known directly, and indirectly.
Its amazing that their still in contact. and its amazing how their friendship has lasted, how they've all grown.

i mean, to a certain extent, its scary watching them grow up.
its scary seeing how they're all turning 18.
its scary reading about how they've been clubbing, drinking, partying. i mean, they're barely 18 for cryin' out loud.
and its not like its just 1 or 2 of them. it seems its the whole bunch of them.

its scary actually. knowing how i might just bump into them one day.
be it at some restaurant, or shop that they work in, or pub, or whatnot. its scary.

but i suppose thats how life works.
it doesn't stop, now, does it?

i guess this could be one of the reasons why i don't want kids as well.
its scary, watching them grow.

then i think about myself and i find it... normal.
AHWELLS.

idk why, but suddenly everything seems to be crashing.
production meeting clashing with timings, friends being mia - friendship is thus vulnerable im tellin you. , cousin being so upset with his job hes spouting shit and stressing out - im worried for him, insanely worried., and basically just not feeling well. SIGH.

i miss nik. :(

love,
jane-
Je veux ton amour. Et je veux te revanche. ♥

APRIL OMG.

2010-03-06T04:27:00.002+08:00

My Big 2's coming.

SO SOON.

i can almost feel it approaching.

its time. that i learnt to let go.

This birthday, i wanna let loose, and act like i were 15, without a care in the world.

This birthday, will be unlike before.

It should be.

love,

jane

bad romances, never last ;)

2010-02-23T16:17:00.005+08:00

Halloween 2009

which is what really spouted this Gaga phase.

've never looked back since. ;)

12/12/09

when i decided i'd had enough of long hair for abit. :)

26/12/09 -Boxing Night 2009

got my hair to the desired length. :D

14/01/2010 - Huahin (!!!)

got my butt to Huahin, Thailand for the 1st time ever in my life.

18/01/2010 - Bangkok

and of course, back to BKK after Huahin, for some major shopping. :D

8 days out with friends. longest ever. :)

YAY. yes and so i've finally blogged after how long.

obviously, not all the photos are here.

i've missed out on some. some fairly significant ones. and some.. that i, don't hold quite as dear to heart anymore.

Proscenium. the people who made a difference.

Crucible. the ones i love so dearly. and the one, who has made his exit.

Trip to Bintan. that office, which i'm done with.

Hanging out. with the 809kids, Chad&Nik, edie's mummy and so many more. which all mean to me, even without me posting photos.

Family outings/gatherings. which are in their own league.

so yes, i'm still very much alive, kicking, and believing in being single and child-less. hah.

till again then.

oh btw. i'd lost my phone. so do let me know who you are when you call/text. thanks! :)

love,

jane-

april don't come. big 2. nooooo.

not only you & me

2009-12-16T01:15:00.003+08:00

Life seems to have lost all spontaneity.

no more random "Let's go!"(s).

no more "let's do this"(s) on the whim.

no more "this sounds fun, let's do it!"(s)

no more this and that.

because its all "we need to plan".

because its all the "no money".

because its all the "siao ah?"

and

because its all the "how old already sia?"

being grown-up's not fun.

having to earn your own keep's not fun.

holding onto jobs you've no interest/passion in is uninteresting.

having to mug for papers, rush for presentation's a chore.

RANTRANTRANT.

GAWD.

i want those days of spontaneous, random acts back.

i want those days of wandering, having nothing to do back.

i want those days of, "i feel like doing this," "let's do it!", "OK!" back.

I DON'T LIKE BEING STAGNANT.

its like stale water.

yucky.

love,

jane-

when life hands you lemons, complain and throw a bitchfit. -aisyah.S

its BOOMZ and here we go again

2009-12-08T16:54:00.003+08:00

yes so i've FINALLY revamped my blogskin.

the gaga frenzy since halloween has been taking over, my life. HAHA.

so yea. MIA-ed for like, a good 2 months or so?

i've been really busy. school, work, having fun. teeheehee.

i foresee a huge photo spam soon-ish. ISH is the mainpoint. hee.

so till then,

JUST DANCE. ;)

love,

jane-

a girl's just as hot as the shoes she choose(s). -lady gaga

I'm going to bed

2009-09-27T02:04:00.004+08:00

its been a rough night.

what has been an awesome day, has become a night so hard to tolerate.

it's been so bad that all these morbid thoughts are flooding into my overactive mind again.

its bad. so terrible.

i should never have gone for the dinner.

i should never have shared my joy with you.

i should never have been foolish and naive enough to think that you would appreciate it.

i should never, have.

and now, you can be rest assured, because i never, will.

i'm going to get some sleep now because sleep cures everything. it is the miracle pill to all pains and aches. or at least i think so.

if it doesn't cure me, i might just wither.

you, have just made me lose all my zest, all my spirit, all my fire, my passion for life.

i know this makes it so.. exaggerated. but thats how i feel right now.

you might not have been all the cause of it, but thanks to you, its been triggered.

i hope you feel guilty.

i hope the guilt creeps into your dreams and haunts you.

thanks so much for nothing.

jane-

and i thought i could trust you!?

&tonight, we will live with this deafening silence. let it buzz.

2009-09-18T02:51:00.003+08:00

humans are greedy. we all are.

but what kind of annoys me is that we are also indecisive creatures. just a simple question of head or heart, and there were that many, who couldn't give me an outright answer. always going with, "but everyone has both sides", or "i'm a little bit of both i think," or, "but i've both!"

YES DAMMIT. EVERYONE HAS BOTH SIDES.

but its the matter of which, is more prominent. its the matter of which you would go for, on first instinct. i ain't no m'effing scientist/marketresearch expert/ psychologist/ brain reader here. just a normal person, trying to be nosy, cause i found an interesting topic.

i'm greedy too. cause my answer to my own question is that, i think i say that i'm a heart person, but deep down, i'm actually a head person. so yes, i'm greedy that way too. but at least, my outright answer would be HEAD.

urrgghhh. why isit one can never get outright answers. even in the case of ice-cream or ferrari. so many people telling me that one can sell the ferrari and get lots of ice-cream, or drive the ferrari to get the ice-cream etc. THAT IS NOT THE POINT DAMMIT. sigh.

i am going to ignore the next person who doesn't give me an outright answer. cause they don't frikkin' get the point/question.

end of rant. thankyouverymuch.

point aside, TGIF! haha. not that it makes a hugeee difference to me. but stilllll.

tmr's saturday already. i've my monologue down. almost, at least. good job jane. :D then movie after class. for some reason, i don't really have high hopes for it. i'm expecting so many people to fly kites. sigh. we'll see, we'll see.

love,

jane-

&i've just hung up my ring this evening. we'll see if it stays, or comes back to me.

Head, or Heart?

2009-09-16T18:04:00.003+08:00

It was a really good talk with edie's mummy last night/this morning. cleared my mind. kinda. and at the very least, i can do what i've been talking about now- slowing down and sorting them thoughts out. cause i've just been saying and procrastinating but not getting down to it.

i still don't really know. but i suppose in time, we all will innit.

point aside. what started as a personal issue, is really starting to get interesting to me now. the same question, a general question to everyone who reads this blog of mine:

Head or Heart?

i've guessed a few correctly, a few wrongly. and somehow i do think that we're all born heart people. its just how we evolve as society gets to us. especially local kids. the society makes us conform to its norms that we turn into head people, and neglect the heart instead. sad innit. tsk.

so what do you pick?

love,

jane-

touch me, to-touch me baby, but don't mess up my hair.

make or break, do or die

2009-09-15T03:25:00.006+08:00

Last night, for the very first time (or at least, the 1st i can remember), i just lay there on my bed, with my eyes open, unable to fall asleep.

For an hour or so, i spun around my bed, fell into all sorts of poses, went 180degrees around, and still could not get to sleep.

this, has taken its toll on me.

this, is such a cruel joke that fate is playing on me.

this, is, probably retribution, for putting my words down so strongly.

Dear Jane,

Here is your single's love horoscope for Tuesday, September 15 :

Whoa, there -- you're ready to rush into something, whether it's a relationship or a snap judgment. The key now is to slow down and get more information -- including the clues from your own heart.

somehow, you're right for once. clues from the heart.

but should i listen to the heart, or the head?

love,

jane-

i am sick of being in this grey area. this has to conclude.

I LOVE YOU SERIZAWA TAMAO!

2009-09-11T02:08:00.004+08:00

have i really failed thus badly as a friend, as a person, a human being, that even when i need to rant, i can't find anyone?

posts these days have been so whiny and annoying. i hate it. but i've nowhere else to turn to. i write, i type, i blog. but you realise, im not actually talking to an actual human being.?

within the few of them, i can feel a huge hole between us. this gap that is so hard to miss. im sorry im not like miss ee, who can patch things up so quickly, no matter how long shes been away. im sorry i haven't been there often enough. but i've tried, no? i've tried to be there for you, every single one of the 3 of you, whenever i could. but on the other hand, have you, tried? performances after performances. i'm not even daring to hope that you would turn up. just the very little plea that you might remember it, that i may feel your support, whether morally, or physically.

crew of the scream house are all busy. with work, with school, with attachments, projects. i want to say more, but, let's just leave it there for now.

idk how to bring things up to you, friend. there have been, so many things. i don't even know where to start.

and it just feels like, everyone's leaving. miss riotdisco left. my bff of 8 years, left. miss head-bobbing left. miss sport goondu is leaving, though not as soon, thankfully.

i suppose i've just gotta learn how to cope eh.

oh btw.
im not going to hk anymore.

which could be whats bugging me the most right now at this point.

FINE. BE THAT WAY.
I WILL STAND UP AND PROVE THE WORLD WRONG.

I WILL SURVIVE.

love,

jane-

see how i speak of it so lightly, yet my heart is still dripping blood up till this very moment?

usagi is fuwa fuwa

2009-09-10T00:54:00.004+08:00

i think, somewhere up there, someone is playing a prank on me. :(

i've been so happy the past few days. saturday, sunday, monday, and the streak even carried on till tuesday. i got to see my dearest babies on tuesday. it was all happy and shiny till last night. really. SO VERY ANNOYING! >:(

story goes like this. i was supposed to go to hk with mom and the usual gang in september. the next weekend, to be specific. THEN. this. person whom we shall simply call WOMAN, says she will do all the arranging of stuffs and whatnots. she comes back and says that there are no air tickets for september. ALL ALONG, she had been outright against going in september. and WOW, magically, the bloody airlines follows her will and sells out!? SERIOUSLY, WOMAN!?

FINE. i got so annoyed, i say i will check it personally cause i was pissed like that. i check, and i realise the timings are crap. FINE. my bad. sorry for doubting you.

carrying on, mom INFORMS (not even ask, its bloody INFORM) me that, we will be going to macau. WTF?! i don't wanna go there! i've not been there, yes. but im not interested. and in this case, they're gonna go for a lame hk tour the first half of the day(just so they can get those stupid ferry tics to macau for free), then proceed to macau for the 2nd half of the day, spend the night there, and the next half of the day there before coming back to hk. for me, THATS A FRIKKIN' DAY AND A HALF WASTED THANKSVERYMUCH.

and so, even after i haven't gotten over this, TODAY, tuition kid informs me that her exam will be on the 9th october, 2009. thats her PSLE paper. the actual one. yes.

we were planning to go from 6th-10th october.

ONE WAVE AFTER ANOTHER. TELL ME HOW NOT TO SUSPECT SOMEONE IS OUT TO GET ME?

i know, i know. this is something so small. but ITS ANNOYING DAMMIT.
my days, i would like to spend happy and smiley and all. not having to think about these annoying little things.

fucking hell annoying.

idk what to do now. :(

i really really really REALLY wanna go! but not with WOMAN messing things up, not with me not being able to be around for tuition kid, not with having to waste a day and a half dealing with stupid aunties who might be on the same tour as us, going to macau and all.

if the date can't be changed, for all you know, much as i want to, i might just skip it. saves everything innit. sucker.

i really want to just sit down and cry and ignore everything, and let things miraculously right themselves.

miss oracle. i really miss you. i know you're probably busy and all now that you've gone corporate. idk what to say really, i just miss you quite terribly.

oh this really random note, i was on the train with miss friend-whos-also-sick while on my way home the other day. and then idk why, but we started talking about kids. and i was being me, as usual, talking about not having kids, not getting married. and she went: "cause you're still so young, i'm how old already." and then almost instinctively, defensively, i thought- but its not about the age! idk. kfine. maybe, i MIGHT be about the age. but. AHWELLS.

yes evil one, THE CURSE. it runs in the family. my mind is bursting with thoughts. T.T

and somehow, i know this post is gonna turn out badly, so NO, DO NOT, mention of it to ANYONE ELSE INVOLVED. YES, I'M TALKING ABOUT YOU MISS SER. LEAVE IT. whatever is here, remains here, UNLESS, either one of the 3 mums find out, OF THEIR OWN ACCORD. otherwise, LEAVE IT HERE. i don't need any extra drama to this saga thanksverymuch.

love,

jane-

i would like to break this curse, for badluck, and for over-thinking please.

its so nice to be happy, shalala

2009-09-07T02:07:00.010+08:00

yesterday and today have been good. awesome good. :D

so i suppose it started off a tad rocky with the lousy audition. but i got my necklace fixed! HAPPY. :D

AND I PASSED MY GRADE 8 PRACTICAL PIANO EXAM! :D

and then i got to play with wormie. :D

then i got to see ahma. and she liked the food. double :D.

then i got to hang out with nik and we chatted non-stop. :D

then this morning we had cedele and i had a very nice strawberry tartlet. :D

and we hung out abit more till she had to go home. :D

then i met up with mr we-almost-became-cousins and i managed to find my book at the esplanade lib. double :D.

OH. and obviously, today i skipped teaching as well. HEE. :D

so 11 :Ds in total. which makes it the majority to the 2 :(s that i have. one which is making me cough non-stop, the other cause i didn't manage to get jan.

anyways.

I'M A HAPPY GIRL. :D

now to keep my fingers crossed that it'll last thru monday.

wormieee ♥

(sister doesn't get why i like this photo cause wormie's face can't even be seen clearly. but i like it cause its so, happy! the smile wasn't faked, and wormie was having fun. all in that instant.)

love,

jane-

you make it easier when life gets hard. ♥

Dearest Miss Lau

2009-09-03T03:10:00.003+08:00

the last post was post number 666. :O

apart from that.

i think im blogging too much. could be the lack of school. but anyways.

its this sudden urge of letting words flow. letting myself indulge in speaking/typing my mind. because i'm deprived like that.

i miss you quite so terribly, miss lau. everything that i've done. emails, facebook mails, facebook messages, msn, i've tried almost everything. and yet, nothing!?

8 years, love. 8 frikkin years. we've come a long way, have we not? and you are still one of the few that i keep close contact with. until you left, that is. i don't know if i'll ever mean to you, what you mean to me. but you're not stone, are you? i'm sure you feel something, no? from the point when we were kids, bobbing around the school, doing our righteous prefect duties, to secondary school, when we were that bit more grown-up, when you had mr cy, and had so many issues about him. to mr have-it-your-way, to mr gohwl. its been that long and more.

DO YOU NOT FUCKING SEE MY EFFORTS TO KEEP IT GOING!

i'm trying so hard. i even lugged my laptop all the way to hk, just so that i would've been able to contact you. and you, let me down. over the weekend you came back. fine, so that was that. nothing could've been done. but over and over again i remind myself how i managed to call you, and you, after saying you'd call, never did. and i was left like an idiot. and i had to leave with a heavy heart.

i blamed myself. i blamed our lousy timings. i blamed every little thing but you!

but i see no love from you.

the least you could do, was acknowledge my efforts. i didn't even need you to feel the same. but no, you just had to leave it as it is, isn't it?

so all that we've ever had, equates to nothingness then?

thanks a lot for the experience, friend. or so i thought.

love,

jane-

see what i mean when i say i'd rather remain emotionless?

find me, away above the chimney tops

2009-09-02T22:31:00.005+08:00

OMG. you know, 朋友，我隔天就很兴奋的查看我的留言板。但一发现没有新的讯息时，我，有那么一点点的失望。当我到你的网站看到一堆华文字时，我笑了。

很不自觉的，笑了。哈哈。朋友，我以你为荣！哈哈哈。

你说的，我都了。那天，我的确是累了。但也是因为，心不在焉。我一心的只在找寻能和我庆祝的朋友，忽略了你们，我道歉。那天是我盼了多久的一天，终于，把作业交上了。可是我也知道，你们，大概也不会和我庆祝，所以一心的在找别人。但也有可能，是因为失望吧。期望越高，失望越大。本以为会有，至少，4-5个人吧。到头来，加上我，只有4个人。不要误会。我看到你们3个，也真心的，感到高兴。只是，有点遗憾吧。以前的10个人？少到变6个，到那天的4个。是有一点，可怜。

你的好意，我心领了。但，如我所说的，我行我素的作风，我仍努力保持。我如果不想让别人看到脆弱的一面，你觉得我会去跟神诉说我的一切吗？哈。我不想听，不愿意听，也不会听。我知道你可能觉得那会对我有益。但你又可否想过，那，也会成为我的一种依赖？我就是不要依赖。我不要有那种，不能没有什么的依赖。我宁可自己受苦，自己承担，承受一切，也不愿意有依赖。因为那太累了。我已经学会没有任何的期望，盼望，希望了。我知道，我知道。你会说神依然会存在，不会走开。但，我不要。我不要任何的依赖。我宁愿苦死自己，也不愿听别人对我传教，也不愿让步。

所以，就和我说了那么多次了一样，你的好意，我心领了，也感激。但，谢了，我自己，仍过得很好。

still so very proud of you typing in chinese! teehee.

i think this is so very beautiful. i'm gonna go search up pablo neruda. :D

Sonnet XVII (100 Love Sonnets, 1960), Pablo Neruda
I don’t love you as if you were the salt-rose, topazor arrow of carnations that propagate fire:

I love you as certain dark things are loved,secretly, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that doesn’t bloom and carries hidden within itself the light of those flowers,

and thanks to your love, darkly in my body lives the dense fragrance that rises from the earth.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where,

I love you simply, without problems or pride:

I love you in this way because I don’t know any other way of loving

but this, in which there is no I or you,

so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand,

so intimate that when I fall asleep it is your eyes that close.

i have orange nails now, YAY. :D days without work, indeed, so much sweeter.

sigh. if only everyday could be like this.

on a side note, miss i-still-keep-his-chest-hair, i miss you quite terribly. :( i miss hearing updates from you everyday, about mr chest-hair. i miss random ramblings coming from you. i miss hearing you exclaim whenever i talk about mr chest-hair. i miss you lah. :(

love,

jane-
“If you look inside a girl’s heart, you’d see how much she really cries. You’ll find hidden secrets, best friends and lies. But what you’ll see the most is how hard it is to stay strong when nothing is right and everything is wrong.”
—Anonymous

hello friend.

2009-09-01T15:21:00.003+08:00

朋友，i'm SO proud of you! you actually typed that whole chunk in chinese! hee.

i would so love to reply you with a digustingly long post, in chinese. only i know you probably won't be able to understand 3/4 of it. hahaha. :P

我变了。对。i've mentioned it once and i'll say it again.

things happen so often, and we change every so often that sometimes, we don't even realise it. everyone's changing. everyday. believe it or not, accept it or not. its just a matter of, for the better or for the worse.

人，是可怕的动物。但人，也是，the thing that is closest to us.

我不喜欢我现在的这个变化。我讨厌，厌恶现在的这种脆弱，无助。

this form of vulnerability- i hate showing weakness.

but circumstances are as such. they like making us go against our wills. and that is why, i'm putting up such a fierce fight against it. ultimately who wins, we'll just have to leave it to fate innit. 我从很久以前，已经学会随缘了。haha. sounds so, buddhist teachings ah. but really. then again, it could be the fact that i've just never really bothered. whatever will be, will be. because whats the point in holding out for something that, even I'm unsure about? holding onto it tirelessly, pushing on just cause i think thats the right thing to do. i'm done with that. 我受够了。

现在的这种依赖，让我感到害怕，恐慌，彷徨。我似乎失去了自己的安全感。-自己的避风港，似乎被侵略了。我行我素的作风，我仍然在努力保持。because i don't want to lose all that, and even myself. but maintainence is tiring.

its hard to strike a balance, really. 一方面不想完全把自己隔离，另一方面又不想过于依赖。tell me how i'm supposed to live up to myself? sometimes i think i have expectations for myself that are sky-high, expectations that even i can't live up to. i try really hard, but i also fall really bad.

i know this post is all over the place. i can't put it in proper sequence. my mind is messed up now. 你的一句话，让我顿时，迷失了方向。and its not necessarily a bad thing. its more of a, i've been letting things flow as they are, and i really need a 旁观者 to tell me. its like a need for this knock on the head to let me snap out of things. to re-arrange, re-position things.

then again, it could be the need for support when my immune system is failing me.

i don't know. but thankyou friend. and yes, as mentioned, insanely proud of you typing in chinese. hee. ;)

love,

Jane

BLOW AWAY, YOU LOUSY MONDAY CLOUDS

2009-09-01T02:33:00.008+08:00

& i don't seem to have ever realised why but. mondays just always seem to be the lousiest of days. i don't know why. it just turns out that way. :(

so today i dragged myself to the train station, just to find out that i was to go to work on my own. fine, i didn't mind that. i preferred it that way actually. kinda. then work was, boring, as always. i didn't manage to spend as much time as i would've preferred to cause i went to look up chad at raffles city. hence, no book-findings at the esplanade lib. :( didn't get to go to borders in town as well cause the other 3 of them were going off and i didn't really fancy spending time alone in town. bugger. so i went to look for the 8legs in the hospital, and proceeded to get lost whilst trying to look for her ward. genius innit.

AND GENERALLY, i know MOST things were probably my own fault. but stillllll, it sucks. :(

I REALLY WANNA DO THAT EFFING MONOLOGUE, JUST LET ME FIND THE SCRIPTS DAMMIT! >:(

sigh.

and yes evil one, agree with you on your latest post. absolutely.

sore throat's really bugging me. and i think the fact that i might be bringing myself to new heights in my sickness does not help. im really afraid i'll lose my voice. i have an audition this saturday. T.T and NEXT saturday as well. I NEED MY VOICE DAMMIT.

燕尾服蒙面侠 - i want him. yea. childhood prince charming.

//cue dramatic sigh

i suppose, miss i-still-keep-his-chest-hair, i think you might've been right. somehow. on what you asked me this evening. i don't know really. its this dilemma. (refer to previous post) i'm trying hard, to keep this up, keep this defence, this facade up. because i don't want to fall into this trap as well. and i'm unsure. for all the things that i've heard, i really, don't wanna put myself in this position that i'll be stabbing myself in the back. i don't want things to end up like mr crop-circles and you-know-who. i don't want to lose myself. i don't want to. but i find myself giving in. somehow. the heart rules over the mind.

i'm trying very hard not to falter. really. yes, mock me all you want like i did to you. but. i really, am at a loss now. :( this wall, is crumbling.

(text me if you must. as you've said, leave no internet footprints.)

but no. that song i told you about, true story. no lies.

and i suppose all that i've actually wanted to say was that.

i'm done with my piece.

let tuesday come, and may my dearest japanese kids bring a sunshine through these dark clouds.

love,

jane-

&i seriously wonder if i'm stepping right into your trap. all the precautions i've taken, measures to stop myself, all seem to be failing.

The Devil's Touch

2009-08-24T14:04:00.004+08:00

Jane Chia loathes the vile way life mechanizes.

and i really do.

sometimes i just wish, that i could be emotionless. more than i am already anyway. talking to nik the other day really helped, in its small way, i guess.

im thinking, the way that i am today- care-less, lack of sympathy, heart of stone, lack of emotions- could be, might be, may be, fear.

fear, for loss.

wary, cautious, of people, of human nature.

exhaustion, and withdrawing, from all that i've seen, heard, felt.

denial, from facing up to reality.

qualms, from showing vulnerability, weakness.

which is why i've built this wall around me, this barrier, which prevents me from reaching too far in, which saves me from.. myself, basically.

for the group of them, i'd came through these walls before, but it only resulted in me being put down, and retreating in further. it came to a point where i was even afraid to voice out, among them, my dearest friends.

the wound has since been mended, but really, injuries leave scars, just as a battered heart, which flinches at the very hint of mistrust, doubt, betrayal.

this cold cold society has changed me so much. from this.. temperamental (i still am, but less) little girl- flaring up at every other thing in primary school, to this, angsty teen- holding her temper till the very last straw. to this cold, seemingly unapproachable young lady which i am today- who doesn't seem to be bothered about anything/most things.

but thats not it, i care, really. at least in my heart, in my mind, i do.

its just, this fear of letting it show. because its so tiring to burned like this.

back to my point before i let myself get so carried away with myself- dad lost an old friend recently. so very recently, like, yesterday or the day before. hes upset. i've not seen him like this since uncle j.

it pains me to see him this way, and yet, failure as i am, i don't know how i can help. i don't know how to help.

and being the man that he is, he doesn't let his emotions show- or at least not in front of me. or, there could be the possibility that hes just experienced so much that.. it becomes hard to show the emotions. (this point, which is.. just a few steps away from me as well btw.)

you see the cruel truth, this hateful reality of life is that, time doesn't stop for anyone. it waits for no man. and the only way we can deal with things, is be strong and pull through.

but what happens when we lack the ability to?

we fall, and get so affected that we aren't the same anymore. and that happens. that happens so often we don't even notice it.

and even when we DO pull through, and manage to put it behind us, what does it do?

it builds a layer around our hearts (as in my case). it sets a layer of cement to protect ourselves from suffering the same bruise, same impact, in the future should anything happen again. so much for being strong eh. we just turn emotionless.

of course, there are those, who are able to fall and stand, fall and stand, without fail. those, are the survivors. those, are the ones who remain unaffected. but there are only a handful of those. those people, are the special ones. but then, being special doesn't offer them any privilege. they get hurt all the same. its just that, to a certain extent, im sorry, but they could just be.. slow. or too optimistic. because they never do learn their lessons, do they?

so yea, much as i would like to experience life, live and love, laugh and hate, snarl and yet fall and be silly, i wish to be emotionless.

because its so much easier.

because i wouldn't have to suffer then.

because i don't want to be put in such dilemmas.

because then, the world would be perfect.

"Life, woman, life is God's most precious gift; no principle, however glorious, may justify the taking of it. - Quail not before God's judgement in this, for it may well be God damns a liar less than he that throws his life away for pride"

- Reverand Hale, The Crucible by Arthur Miller

and so, when God takes away life, he is entitled to because its His gift and He can retract it?

i'm sorry, i dont mean any offence to all you Christians or God-loving people out there. its just this spite, this anger that i cannot, simply cannot swallow.

no, do NOT, i repeat, DO NOT, preach to me. i do not appreciate it. the last thing i wanna see, is some part from the bible on my tagboard thanksverymuch.

i'm sorry for this very lengthy and wordy post.

i'm just in a.. very very foul mood now. what with helplessness and frustration taking over me.

see what i mean?

i wanna be emotionless. the easy way- the way i decide to, not after i've been hurt too many times.

越是幸福越害怕
怕它会结束越拥抱
越是孤独
没人了解的寂寞
我自己照顾

不想让你发现我
凌乱的脚步
我努力跟上你的速度
不再独自感受
那幸福背后藏的辛苦

-credits to delyn

but you see it, no? its such a tiring journey, which leads to nothingness. so really, why bother? because in the end, YOU, are all that matters.

love,

jane-

soul flown away.

i'll not have you judging me anymore

2009-08-20T04:22:00.004+08:00

Inkpot review for Crucible is out.

http://www.inkpotreviews.com/2009reviews/0813,cruc,cc.xml

(if you care to read)

I shall just quote:

"It took a compelling second half to redeem a poor first half which was messy, lacklustre and generally dull, with characters running in and out of the stage without any obvious purpose."

"while Jane Chia lacked the bitterness that characterizes Ann Putnam"

"Most disappointingly, Rishi Prakash Budhrani failed to capture Proctor's cynical wit which I had found so engaging while reading the text."

SERIOUSLY, WOMAN? SERIOUSLY?

i feel insulted.

all that work i'd needed to do, that i'd done to reach that. and she says i lacked the bitterness? I'LL SHOW HER BITTER.

and really, Rishi? he did such an awesome job. i feel for him. how dare she, how DARE she.

of course, i could just put it all on the 2nd night syndrome. (2nd nights, are usually the worst nights) but. yea. i feel disgusted.

you know, its just like studying so damn frikkin hard for an exam, and getting a D, or even better, an F, for your paper in the end.

AND SO, YES. I'M UPSET. ANNOYED. PISSED. and above all, yes, BITTER.

fine. im incapable of all other emotions. at least of now, besides rage, angst and BITTERNESS.

lots of love, and spite,

Jane

oh stop it already.

mark it for a sign

2009-08-18T03:31:00.003+08:00

and so, its over.

The Crucible, as well as my 3 years with the young company.

i love them oh-so-dearly. the last 3 years, have brought me great joy. really. from tackling berkoff, to shakespeare, to arthur miller. all the things i never would've done otherwise.

Michael, Sue, Dan. the 3 people that mean so much to me. the 3 people who have taught me a great deal. the 3 people, whom i aim to be like.

The year's lessons have not concluded, yet. but i feel like, drawing a closure is so difficult. given a chance, i DO still want to go back next year. as chanel put it, where else would you get to do something like this and be on stage for real?

but my 3 years is up. my time is up, and its time to move on.

and move on i will. but not give up, thats for sure.

this year's production has shown me so much, has brought out so much in me.

tenderness. hah. what i thought was impossible. emotions, heartfelt ones. tear-jerking ones. the need for support. that, was a first. i still don't feel it very much now, and i don't want to anyways. so yea.

ann putnam, you rock my socks.

so watch out, world. Jane is ready.

It's not so easy loving me

It gets so complicated

All the things you've gotta be

Everything's changin

But you're the truth

I'm amazed by all your patience

Everything I put you through

When I'm about to fall

Somehow you're always waitin

with your open arms to catch me

You're gonna save me from myself

from myself, yes

You're gonna save me from myself

My love is tainted by your touch

Cuz some guys have shown me aces

But you've got that royal flush

I know it's crazy everyday

Well tomorrow may be shaky

But you never turn away

Don't ask me why I'm cryin

Cuz when I start to crumble

You know how to keep me smilin

You always save me from myself

from myself, myself

You're gonna save me from myself

I know it's hard, it's hard

But you've broken all my walls

You've been my strength, so strong

And don't ask me why I love you

It's obvious your tenderness

Is what I need to make me

a better woman to myself

to myself, myself

You're gonna save me from myself

no, Jane is capable enough. I will save me from myself. I will, can, and must. and i KNOW i can do it.

you, do not deserve anything more.

baby you're independent, yes you are. so stay that way. cause thats the way you're gonna be leaving it. nothing more.

royal flushes mean nothing to you. you know you can conjure something better. and you know you have something better than hope. stay that way darling, its gonna be like that, for the next few years at least, and you know you can do it.

you will rebuild all the walls that were broken down. you will set them strong, and you will prove them all wrong.

bear in mind what the dearest flower said to you, darling. cause its the truth and you know it. hale knows its true, ribbongirl knows its true, and above all, YOU know its true.

live, and let live honey. ♥

love,

jane-

fear, means i have something to lose.

it is a marvel

2009-08-12T02:47:00.007+08:00

Dear Jane,Here is your horoscope for

Wednesday, August 12:

You can be pretty charming when you need to be, and right now it's a good idea for you to turn it on in a big way. Things are going to get pretty strange, but you can turn things around quickly.

its opening night tonight. i'm scared. very scared. and nervous. and anxious. plus a tinge of excitement.

its been a long journey. we're finally here. ♥

wish me the best please!

love,

jane-

a wild thing may say wild things, but not so wild, i think.

The Young Company Proudly Presents, The Crucible

2009-07-28T14:39:00.008+08:00

Last year, SRT’s The Young Co. enthralled audiences with one of Shakespeare’s best loved romantic comedies, Love’s Labour’s Lost.

This August, the graduating class will bring you Arthur Miller’s tale of suspense and drama, The Crucible – one of the most performed plays in the world.

Arthur Miller’s The Crucible - is a powerful and timeless depiction of how intolerance and hysteria can tear a community apart. It was made into a film starring Daniel Day-Lewis and Winona Ryder.

A group of teenage girls gather in a forest one evening and are involved in an innocent conjuring of love potions in order to catch the eye of the young men that they desire. Guilt at being caught in the act drives them into a frenzy of accusations and they are forced to tell lies that Satan has invaded them. In a moment of jealousy, Abigail, one of the girls involved, claims Elizabeth (the innocent wife of a man she is infatuated with and with whom she had an affair) is a witch. As the other girls pick up on the trick and start naming anyone they resented, lies and rumours spread among the deeply religious community and anyone opposed to the trials is denounced as a witch.

Through their hysteria and false accusations, 19 innocent townsfolk are put to death as witches.A tale of witch hunts, religious persecution, sexual revenge and social hysteria centered on the true story of the horrifying witch-hunts that occurred in Salem, Massachusetts at the end of the 17th century, this gripping play is a must-see for students and anyone who loves suspense and drama.

Simply put, this is a tale about witchcraft, in the 17th century.
Which, based on context, could also be put into the world of politics in the modern-day society.

Synopsis aside, the set for The Crucible could be described as one of the most treacherous for the cast, but definitely breathtaking for the audience. Furthermore, with intensive rehearsals going on, and all the hardwork that the cast have put in, you're ensured an evening of unease, gripping spells, heartwrenching moments, and above all, first-rate entertainment.

So come, come join us for the show and we'll make sure this is one act that will haunt you and leave you spellbound.

and obviously, above all, I'M in the show!

hahaha. shameless, i know. but whatever.

oh btw. do let me know if you want tickets, because i can get them at 1-for-1 rates! :)

love,

jane-
because we're worth it, and you know it. ;)

Jane's Funeral

2009-07-15T00:25:00.004+08:00

So today evening, i was feeling terrible, yes, like with a capital T.
what can i say? i'm sick.

yes, finally beaten by my own immune system. T.T yes friend, you were right, i needed a break. BUT. i still can't find a space to breathe, yet. i'm trying to though.

so anyways, my mind was racing. yes, literally racing, dashing through traffic lights and speeding. no idea why. think im at this point where im so tired that my block in my system breaks down and all those random thoughts come flooding out. GUSHING out.

i was thinking of how it would've been. if i'd gotten knocked up ala my sec4 classmate. would i be happy with a kid now instead of complaining that i dont want a boyfriend?

then i thought of what would happen if i REALLY did happen to get a boyfriend. would i be like some of my friends, who ditch their friends for their love, or like some others who ditch love for friendship? would i be the ultra stuck-on-you kind, or the i-dont-even-feel-like-i-have-a-boyfriend kind? would my relationship with the boyfriend be love-hate like a few couples i know of, or the super lovey dovey mushy kind? im curious, but not anxious to know.

then i regained being upset. (i know, sounds damn odd, but whatever.) i became upset again. because woonyong (my short&sweet M10 co-actor)'s play in the english top 30 had gotten in. i'd just imagined, what if that were us, instead? then i thought of how the team that actually got in, was not exactly excited/happy about it and i felt like, WHY NOT LET US HAVE THE CHANCE!? i'm so sore about it you absolutely CANNOT imagine.

then i realised. i THINK i'm sick. i didnt actually know, it was just this nagging headache, making me feel like my head was gonna explode. then anyways. for some reason yet unknown, i was thinking of how my funeral would be like.

i would like my funeral to be.. white, with hints of silver. not the OTT garish silver stuff i oh-so-love, but the classy kind. the little hint, that would catch the side of your eye, yet not make you feel uncomfortable.
i want it to be set abit like.. a wedding, so to say. with 2 rows of chairs, then the coffin/altar in the middle. i dont mind if we do away with all that yellow/red/green/colourful stuff that chinese always have. i dont mind. but i would still want joss sticks. HAHA. i love the smell of it. weird, i know. whatever. :p

i would want to be properly made up, looking so very pretty. i want a nice dress. somewhat like the one i had for agamemnon. long, pretty, flattering. :) i would want my nails to be nicely done up. DUH. hmm. probably something bright or sparkly, ala the normal jane style. :D haha. at this point, silver, neon pink or neon yellow all sound good. but i suppose, that would be a job i'll leave to my sister. cause she always knows the correct things to match. :)
i dont want to be wearing my specs, but i would like it to be in the coffin as well. just so i know that if i reach out, it'll be there. im insecure that way.

my "guest list". i would like to include my whole family. yep, probably even the ones that i get so annoyed with. but maybe not my grandma. seeing her cry so hard once, is enough to last more than a lifetime. spin up a lie. tell her that i.. decided to go overseas to study and stay there for good or something. - i wanna see my cousins, the evil ones from my dad's side, including benji, jolene, jasmine, and them all basically. my aunts, and the lil evil dearling. from my mum's side, my cousins, again. my aunts, my uncles, nah, maybe not the WHOLE family needs to be there, but wells. its like CNY innit?

i want my friends to be there. all my teammates- guagua, suwei, jinshu, mr teo, mdm teo, millicent, kelly, pandar, sotong pai,

my 809 dears- aisyah, charlotte, stef, jean, michelle, lyn, dom, hairil, doreen, sharil, lina, lisa, siti.

my srt darlings- nikko, gilly, andrew, daniel, lois, livi, rishi, audrey, sue, victoria, eunice, clara, fiona, adeline, chanel, kusu, aly, dan, vana, and if he would, chad.

all my ex-classmates/teachers from primary school- elaine, laufun, kingston, miss sng, joey ho, and joey chen, binghua, minhui, jieshen, jiongrui, shiyun, yenkheng, xianbi, mrs lucy tan, mdm chong, marianne (if she still remembers), weiliang, dominic, hanyang, xinying, chingkee.

my secondary school mates- zhenxu, yana, xinyi, qijie, shila, miss sim, yenkang, kimkok, evon, kailiang, derek, sili.

and of course, the people who made a difference in my sec 4 life- meiyun, saddiq, shujuan, hasif, gavin, weisheng, zhaokai, mdm chin, mdm chai, and alright, possibly jason and jerome.

then my skm mates,- mich, chiman, wendy, lijun and maybe aunty fauziah.

my band. the people who were with me for such a short time, yet brought along so much- kental, mat, beng, and bernie.

sim mates- yiwen, claresta, lucas, sam, ian, tabi, res, aisyah, faz, and yea, probably just that. never did get along with the world.

and all the random people who can't be classified like this, my sma friends, all the short&sweet people, all the people that i've met through some sort of weird coincidence.

then the people who've known me all my life,- dha gang. lulu, dj bob,
plus i'd want the auntys to be around to accompany my mum anyways.

super long guest list innit. hah. but anyways, i dont want them to be sitting around and crying. i want them to all have a little sparkling wine, a beautifully decorated white table of buffet with my favourite food, and a little speaker's corner-look alike, for people to talk about me. HAHA. i still want some glamour. :p
talk about how i made a difference in their lives, how i've managed to contribute in my little way, how people think i'm mad at times, how i was me.

and yea, a little bit of tears are alright, but no wailing please. smile! be happy that i've been set free. somewhat. and know that i'll always be there, no matter what. :)

so yea. if i EVER pass away sometime, please let people know that this is how i would like my funeral to be. haha.

and then the random thoughts had to stop cause my head was really splitting, and. i'd reached class. HAH.

love,
jane-

i do it for love love love love;

heartfelt thanks, dearest friend.

2009-07-07T02:19:00.005+08:00

dear friend,

i cannot. its not that i don't want to. honestly. just look at whats going on in my life. i will list them all out to you and you will see why i cannot stop.

im teaching, as you know. i have 2 students, taking, or at least im planning for them, to take their exam next year. and i cannot stop. because it is going to cost them lessons. they will not be able to cover enough before their exams.

im teaching tuition as well now. chinese tuition. hah. what did you expect. my girl is primary 6 this year, and taking her PSLEs. how to stop? i absolutely CANNOT.

im schooling. much as i hope i could just leave it, i can't. i've wasted too much time, retaking my Os, getting in and out of SIM, and finally settling here. i don't have any more time to waste.

im working. this is the one thing that i'm slightly more slack on. but still, i've debts to pay off. i've a life to keep up with. i CANNOT stop working! whos gonna pay for me?

im in rehearsals. my show is due for august. i cannot not go for rehearsals for goodness' sake! this means so much to me.

so yea. tell me how? its not that i don't wanna stop, really. its just.. i cannot.

i would love to as well, to just sit somewhere and stare at people the whole afternoon, i would love, of course, to go watch a play that i'll enjoy. i would love, to go catch up on all those movies that i've missed out on. just reading the afternoon away sounds like a great idea as well.

but all these, are luxuries that i cannot afford at this point.

aside for the fact that i would have to take time off matters, all of the above, or at least, almost all of it, is gonna cost me money. its the cruel truth, the brutal reality of life.

i know you're concerned, friend. and i really really thank you for that. because it is so rare in this day and society. because you let me feel this heartfelt concern which people neglect oh so often. because you actually care, and bother. because you're a friend.

so yea, i really really appreciate it, but at this point, this very moment, i cannot afford to lax, to slow down, to stop.

just to poke fun at you, no, believing in or having a religion at this moment, will not help. it'll take up even more of my time having to commit to a particular mighty being. ;)

love,

Jane
You need to slow way down and let others deal with the details today -- you're heading for burnout if you're not careful! It's not such a bad thing to take the day off and let the chips fall where they may.

- Astrology, july 6th, monday.
could be the reason why today seemed like such a wrecked day. :(

can you come to me as well, with open arms for me to fall into?

2009-07-06T16:05:00.006+08:00

and so, we didn't get in.

the awesome cast of Short & Sweet M10, play 5, Subjective.

we were close. SO. FUCKING. CLOSE. TO MAKING IT!

the moment the results were announced, my heart just dropped on the floor. like literally. and can you just IMAGINE that feeling, of being so fucking upset, and yet having to smile and cheer for the group which got in.

it was a terrible terrible feeling. everything went well. till yesterday afternoon, when mom told me that she would've voted for team 3 had she "had a chance". no, she did not say that, but it certainly felt like she voted for my team, just cause its me. all the hopes just went downhill from there. confidence began to shake. and in general, i just felt that tinge of disappointment.

but still, there was hope. there was hope in the audiences' vote.

and we lost that as well.

the 2 guys were.. to say, less affected. alex said he'd expected it. and woonyong said he didn't think the script was strong enough.

but i know, that my heart just shattered. and shirlyn was equally upset. maybe more, maybe less. i don't know. i believe jacklyn was upset, disappointed as well. and obviously, kokchang was .. disappointed as well. pardon the repetitive words. i really cannot think of any other word now, cept' for disappointment.

shirlyn reckons we were trying to drown out the sense of loss and disappointment when we were at prince of wales last night. i agree. at least i felt like i was doing that.

seeing ruzaini and gilly, telling them i'd lost, that i hadn't been able to make it to the galas, i almost started crying.

because this year, somehow it just meant so much to me.

it was my first ever chinese play. i felt like we had such a big chance. we had a good placement, we had a good cast, we had a good director, we had so many advantages! the odds were fucking towards us! and we had to lose it.

the night before, when we had supper with kok chang, we were still happily planning how we would need to change positions for the rewind cause the stage at esplanade is different. we were still looking forward to it so much. we were still happily laughing away, confidence level high up. and we were proven wrong.

i thank all those friends of my co-actors, of my director, who came to support, and had voted for us. i thank all the other audiences for voting for our play, if they did. i thank all the other actors in the other plays, for such an awesome time backstage. i thank the other directors, scriptwriters, for joining in the fun and making this such an enjoyable experience.

Short & Sweet M10 this year, was truly, Short, and Sweet.

p.s. gilly, we need to talk soon, love. give me a call whenever.

love,

jane-

this will take my mind off you. at least for a while.

COME WATCH SHORT&SWEET M10!

2009-07-04T00:45:00.003+08:00

i don't like you. for the attitude you're speaking to me in. i don't like you. for always speaking like someone who has "been there, done that", and always THINKING that you understand me. i don't like you, for your attempts at being funny, especially in the mornings when i'm so tired- ITS ANNOYING. i don't like you. for all that and more.

but i don't have a choice. it was destined.

and so now, in an attempt to explain to miss oxy and whoever else on why i think im never gonna get a boyfriend, married, or kids. and also, a reminder to myself.

1) Because it is too much of a commitment. i have school commitments, netball training commitments, drama commitments, teaching duties, work commitments, and all other random stuff that pop up all the time. do you really think i have time to go meet and entertain someone else when i barely have enough time for myself, my friends, my family?

2) because it is too much of a hassle to have to entertain another. i have one major annoyance at home which i have to entertain daily. YOU WANT ME TO GO LOOK FOR ANOTHER ON MY OWN ACCORD? you gotta be kidding me. and as i tell the world, if my other half turns out to be like my dad, i'd probably go jump off the building or something.

3) because it is such a waste of money. AS IF IM NOT POOR ENOUGH ALREADY? hello? knowing me, i don't really like being treated, having someone else pay for me. i know that i am capable of paying for myself, so why should i let someone else foot the bill for me? chivalry aside, i believe that male and female and NEVER be equals, but at least, you know, try? and yea. all those commercial scams of anniversaries, special occasions and all that. no thanks. costs more than it should.

4) Because i'm enjoying my freedom very much, thankyouverymuch. the mere thought of having to constantly reply to someone else's messages of "where are you?" or "have you had lunch?" and that rubbish, just turns me off. the need to report to someone else? i outgrew that when i graduated from secondary school thanks. besides, you're not my mum.

true, i agree that its always nice to have a shoulder to lie on, someone to hug, someone who would listen to you when you're down or annoyed, but really. FRIENDS. thats what friends are for. i have ample friends thanks.

5) and anyways, what makes you think having a boyfriend will solve the problem? when a couple are together, and one party ignores, or at least PRETENDS to ignore. or just pacify. what's the point, really? and all these little things, just build up. they accumulate, like dust bunnies. until one day when it has hit the brim, everything will burst out and that'll be the end of it. NO MORE. THE END. GAMEOVER. no point right.

6) because i'm scared. i would say i'm rather independent now. and im a insanely busy person. just consult my handphone schedule to know. so yea, i'm scared that i'll become too dependent on someone else. i'm scared that someone else entering my life is gonna break my momentum, i'm scared that another person will bring more trouble that good. and of course, i'm scared of the aftermaths. i've had enough of that thanks.

points 1-6, explains enough why i don't want a boyfriend, don't need a husband in the future?

onto kids. i've said it once, and i'll say it again.

7) kids these days are PLAIN ANNOYING. i have annoying cousins, i have annoying students. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. case closed.
there are SO MANY ways that they annoy me, i really don't know how long this post is gonna be if i really list them out. so to just name a few, kids running wild around, kids/teenagers becoming emo teens or ahlians and start taking photos and captioning them "i bitezzxxx", kids spouting vulgarities better than their own mother tongue, know-it-all kids. yea and those few, are killers on its own. need i say more?

SO THERE YOU GO, OXY. Reasons stated. happy now? hah.
its a post for you, a reminder for myself too. so that i never do fall into it.

anyhoos, SHORT & SWEET MANDARIN 10 IS STILL RUNNING! TILL THIS SUNDAY! if you're free and interested, PLEASE PLEASE MAKE YOUR WAY DOWN TO THE ARTS HOUSE AND GET YOURSELF A TICKET!
ticket sales have apparantly been really bad. :( we really need people to come watch, respond, and vote!
again, details, HERE.

DO COME AND WATCH! :D

love,
jane-
confused. i know i shouldn't be doing anything about this. but.. the heart is ruling over the mind. can i really pretend, and ignore?
heart is sore and achy. i know this shouldn't be. but your sense still lingers. i cannot ignore it.

Short&Sweet Singapore, M10, opens THIS WEDNESDAY!

2009-06-30T01:15:00.003+08:00

HELLO PEOPLE! :D

i know i've been neglecting this space. im utterly sorry about it.

but honestly, having to juggle rehearsals for 2 shows at once, school, work, giving tuition, and teaching all at once, and still able to find the time to blog? i'll be superwoman before im able to do that lah.

anyhoos. this update IS FOR A REASON. *JENG JENG JENG*
haha. okay this is basically shameless plugging BUT -

Short & Sweet Singapore, M10 (Mandarin 10) Performances, i'm in one of the plays! come watch! and vote! cause the more votes we get, the more likely we are to be able to get into the gala finals! im actually rather excited about it. somehow, a tad more than i was, 2 years ago. i really really wanna get in if possible.

Event Details:

MANDARIN 10
1 - 5 July
8pm
Play Den, The Arts House

YES. ITS OPENING SOOOON. like, THIS WEDNESDAY!
which is technically tomorrow! ticketing info can all be found, HERE.
basically you can buy through email, fax, phone, or over the counter at the arts house itself. :)
the arts house is located at: 1 Old Parliament Lane, Singapore 179429

so please please please, if you can make it, and if your chinese is not so horrendous that you don't understand a single bit, do come and watch, and vote! :D

love,
jane-
and no, i do not permit us to touch; heart, soul or body.

cheers to this fucking awesome family of mine, won't you?

2009-06-07T01:53:00.003+08:00

okay. so im supposed to be working on my project. thats due tomorrow. which is basically in a few hours.
but i really just have to get this out before i can focus on anything else cause it is bugging me so badly. :(

So i was over at my aunt's place just now. and for some reason, cause that korean show was on tv, she was asking me if i've ever watched it. i said i only watched the 2 that i previously did, and stopped. and she went on and said something to the effect of "oh, the sassy girl one ah? i cannot tahan. haha. i gave it to a friend." NOTE. the box set, was LENT to her, because she BORROWED from me, because she wanted to watch it. and what happens?
SHE FUCKING GIVES IT AWAY.
okay. so that's not all. i don't say much. but when my sister appears, i tell her something like "eh, auntylin gave away my chunxiang. :( " and what does she reply? "aiyah. i will get it back for you lor. you liked it ah? why you so sore" or something like that, not the exact words. i mean, seriously, WHAT. THE. FUCK. is wrong with her!? its a BORROWED item goddammit. not GIVEN. if i had wanted to GIVE it to you, i would've said, would i not? YOU were the one who asked for it from ME, and i very kindly LENT it to you! WTFWTFWTF IS WRONG!?
and I'M the fucking one whos in the wrong cause I'M sore about YOU giving away MY property!? and I'M the one whos in the wrong cause I fucking enjoyed the show!? SERIOUSLY! and honestly, if it wasn't brought up then, i really don't know WHEN i would ever realise that she'd done such a thing. what.the.fuck. is wrong with her.

and then. point aside of her.
the annoying cousin. yes the one whom im about to fling my shoe at someday.

she borrows my sister's DS, and for some reason, it just doesn't seem to be working as well i guess. might be batt low, might be laggy, WHATEVER. she starts KNOCKING it. y'know, like when something ain't working you try and knock it? but goddamn. its not a frikkin' 30year old radio. its a DS. and so i tell her." you know, knocking the DS isn't going to do it any good. it won't make any difference." (note the tinge of sarcasm. cause this was right after my aunt told me that she'd given my discs away.) anyhoos. she replies with. guess what!? "no lah, im not KNOCKING it, im just HITTING it." or something to that effect. i mean, WTF IS WRONG WITH HER!?
and according to my sister, when i wasn't around this afternoon, she'd ALMOST went to my table to take something, OUT OF HER OWN ACCORD, WITHOUT ANY OF MY PERMISSION. had it not been that she'd seen my sister's green bangle, i don't know what she would've done. and that said, she saw my sister's bangle, then promptly decided to bring it out. i don't know with my sister's permission OR NOT, but im guessing its probably the latter.

i mean, seriously. what did i do to deserve such FUCKING AWESOME relatives!?

i don't know man. i mean, BASIC respect for others' property. no? is that really THAT difficult to understand?

oxy i haven't done your post yet. i will. after im done with my project. then i'll have all the mood to argue with you.

love,
jane-
SERIOUSLY, FUCK OFF.

you just don't know when to stop, do you?

2009-05-27T02:46:00.005+08:00

surprising to see these people's faces here innit? hah. its been so long since i was still in that place called school. butwells. i suppose things do change under circumstances, under time.
and so i met up with them after.. 6months? yea. they haven't changed. but things are wayyyy different now, according to them.
gossip sessions yaw. hah.

so yea, in the time that i've been M.I.A-ing, i've met up with them, gotten into Short & Sweet's mandarin play (i actually got in before meeting them, but anyway.) , met up with Res and Faz, supposedly for movie, which became lunch instead, celebrated Roach's birthday as well as met B.queen and Mimah, watched Much Ado for the 2nd time, sat down and ate and drank with gilly dear, caught Startrek (SYLAR!) with the b.queen, worked really hard, and have been to HONGKONG(!) for my awesome shopping trip. :D

so much in such a short time. i know. sometimes i think im crazy too. hur.

and so im back now, and have lots and lots of debts to pay off. hah.

AND. im supposed to be doing my project. but for the past few hours, i've done nothing but blog-hop, facebook, and check my email. oh wow. whats new. hur.

right then. i shall be off about now. more on HK soon. :)

these people NEVER fail to make my day. :)

love, jane-

all those words, LIES. why are you doing this to me, time and again!? its been so long. i've been so hopeful. i tried all ways and means, just for that. and you do this to me.

thanks so much, bff, or so i thought.

then again, i should've known isn't it? that i don't take up as much as you do in my heart. i know its unfair to ask of you. i know. but do YOU know what YOU are doing to me!?

i'm upset. disappointed. angry. annoyed. and do you know that?

brink of insanity -

2009-05-08T01:24:00.007+08:00

fleeflyfloflum*

I am officially exhausted. like REEEAAALLLLY. i can feel the weight in my legs wherever i walk to. its like i have difficulty even standing still. :(

work in the day, teaching in the evenings. work in the day, lessons in the evenings. training on saturday mornings, random events on saturday afternoons. teaching on sundays, and back to work in the day. this is really taking a toll on me. but i've to bear with it. just so i can enjoy my hk trip. :( sighhhhh.

and because i got annoyed just now, again, i shall tell what i should've told a couple of posts back. as to why i don't tell my family on my happenings.

i'd tell my sister more things, just that i can never predict her reactions. my kind of lifestyle and hers, is just like every other thing that has been since we were little - drastically different. well, not exactly drastically different, but i'd say relatively different as well. as such, our point of view is different, our take on things are.. at times somewhat similar, but at other times, just off. i love her for who she is but, somethings just never are the same when you've either never been in a similar situation, or when you're not part of the cycle.

i'd tell my mum more, if she'd calm down a little more and not be as cynical towards things. i'd say she agrees relatively with my sister. just that, her point of view is one which is even more consevative. i would say that she is already rather open-minded for the people of her generation and i do love her. but its just that, somethings just never will open up to her. its like how the ancient people never spoke of love in public, yet in the modern-day society, love can be so simply mentioned and left? yea. that's the kind of thing that the ancient people would never understand. similarly, the things that i do, the lifestyle that i crave for, would be somewhat something that i would guess, she'd need plenty of time before understanding.

i.. have no idea if i'd tell my dad more. because as it is, he annoys me. i know he is experienced, i know he has lots of adventure stories, i know he has done many things before that i'm just about trying out now. but really, the things that he did then, and the things that i'm doing now, albeit similar, have changed somewhat for sure. i mean, 5 years and changes can be drastic, whos to think of how big changes would be from like, 10-20 years ago when he was at it, and now when im about to try my hand at things? and he thinks that things are the same, and rattles on about how it is, WHEN THINGS HAVE CHANGED. i feel so terrible for saying this, but sometimes, i just don't feel like being near him. i love him, or at least i know deep down inside, unclouded by all this irritation and annoyance and frustrations, i do love him as he loves me. but he is utterly not helping himself, or me.

so yea. i know this post is utterly random. but i just thought it'd help if i got it off my chest.

once again, questions and comments, SHOOT THEM AT ME! not anyone else dammit.

roach with a really lousy impersonation of.. minnie? HAH.

fly me to the moon. or even the sun. where i can have the full view and scream my heart out* <3

love, jane-

and im just really really glad for them.

of airheads and new found friends

2009-04-28T02:25:00.007+08:00

helloooo. and so im finally back. its been quite some time.
and i've -

- Been chased by fishes
- Gotten my pass
- Tasted great ondeh-ondeh

- Met up with the evil young punks for our "teens only" meeting

- Flown and touched the sky
- Drove a jetski BY MYSELF!
- had orange juice till i got sick of it

-Done lots of improv
- Slept openly in the Esplanade Library
-Learnt that i think i do like doing script analysis

- Got attacked by fishes
- Earned some spare cash for the HK trip
- Finally visited that little white place
- Finally made plans for GMAX!

and thats about it. i think.
so many things, too little time to talk. I will. soon though, not now.
I'm dreading 6.30pm. the whole vicious cycle starts once more. :(

I had 4 major birthday celebrations.
with the family. with my girls. with my skm mates. and with my darling-est e4s.

i enjoyed them all. but more than ever, i am feeling this loss, this.. emptiness, this. sense of loneliness. bah humbug.

just today. i had this sudden surge of emotions gush up to my head.

I MISS YOU, LAUFUN. i don't care if you're free or not when i get to HK, i'll stalk you just to meet you if i have to.

I MISS YOU, OXY. i know its wrong of me to ask and ask for what seems like too much. but really, initiative, woman? i totally agree with what you've said on your blog. maintence. am i asking for too much, really? why is it that action is only taken when i make noise? why is it that things have to take such a bitter turn before you decide its time to make a move? why is it that i place you in such an important place in my life, yet i feel like nothing to you?
i'm sorry if this is asking for too much. but i'd just thought that, our years of friendship actually meant something.

I MISS YOU, FRIEND. i miss our lessons too. :( i met christina at HMV the other day. nothing much, just thought i'd tell you. school's been crazy innit. let's meet up soon. for dessert or something. :D

and of course, GILLIAN TAN! where have you been! updates, woman! its been so long since i last met you. i bet you have tons of new stories now. hahaha. i'll be waitingggg. :p

my birthday celebration with a pinch of salt. :)

you know friend, that, regardless of whether it was the lady boss's initiative, or you people's idea, that very moment, i was so very moved, touched. honest. the only thing lacking was 2 streams of tears. hah. all i've ever asked for in a gathering, was just that. a simple get-together, talking, laughing, throwing the world behind us, and just immersing ourselves into the moment, enjoy each other's company.
it really felt very much like home. like family. :)

love, jane-
Strays. Or so they seem. And yet somehow, the first thought that struck me was, they must long to feel loved to.
So they were not. But what hit me at that very instant remains. If they attack our of self defense, can we really blame them? So only the obedient ones we keep, and the tough, strong ones do not deserve a change? Life is such. Human nature is funny.
And ironic. So how about all those inspiring stories, on determination, strength and will?
I didn't get it then, and i still don't get it.

I know my polish is not gonna last with what im about to do. but WHO CARES? ITS MY BIRTHDAY!

2009-04-10T04:10:00.005+08:00

I'm scared. So very scared. and no matter how much people like meiyun will scoff at me, i still am freaked out at the very prospect of going into this unknown land.

All the bad omens, thoughts, things that've happened to others, the intuition, and everything else piling up.

I'm suffocating and i'm very nervous that i really will.

-edit-

Dear Jane,

Here is your horoscope for Friday, April 10:
You're not in a great mood today, but you can tell that there's a good reason for it. Just let things happen until the situation becomes clearer -- it may take another day or so. Patience is welcome!

AND NOW THIS!?

i really really don't want this to be my, or OUR swan song. please.

love,jane-

please let me survive this.

Soul Jazz. Fusion.

2009-04-06T01:06:00.005+08:00

OH FOR GOD'S SAKE. do you NOT see that i am doing something? do you NOT realise that i am TOTALLY UNINTERESTED in continuing that topic, conversation? SERIOUSLY! i have NO interest AT ALL. in what YOU'VE done before. times change and NOW's the present. stop living in your past!

i thank and appreciate your concern, but thankyouverymuch, i can handle myself thanks.

so i didn't go and stalk dakin matthews the other day. sad. :( but ohwells.

oh a sidenote, i realise my posts have all been rather annoying, all ranty and sad and annoyed and depressed. :( I CAN'T REALLY HELP IT YOU KNOW. but sucky things have just been happening to me. sighhhhh.

why do fairytales all remain lies all the time.

OKAY. happy things? I'M GOING TO TIOMAN NEXT WEEKEND. :D for my diving exam! exciting much! hhaha. :D

and so we had our 1st, and only training session today at outram sec's swimming pool. it was rather.. terrifying. :( and i kept floating and not being able to sink. roar. =.=

and according to aunty and mr teo, i think i'm gonna have to wear contacts. sighhh. donch like donch like. :( suckkkkkks.

ohwells. just gotta hope and pray REAL HARD that nothing's gonna happen. sigh.

oh and THE BIRTHDAY's coming SOOOON! like in 3 days! haha. YAYYYYY.

i really don't mind presents or treats you know. haha.

OH AND. if you don't know what to get me you can ask me! haha. i saw a couple of things online that i likeeee. hahahah. :P

sigh. theres work later. :(

okay back to reality. sighhhhhhhh. :(

why can't everyday be a care-bear day?

love,jane-

Its over, its over. Just when we reach this place of the past which still haunts me. How apt.

But why is it that, when the funky music plays, i realise that somethings just can't be changed? The tugging at of heartstrings, feels like its tearing my heart apart, and its fatalistic, murderous, and its killing me, sucking my breath away and suffocating me.

Soul Jazz. Fusion.

more bitter than a rotten peach pitt

2009-04-03T00:21:00.003+08:00

Life's fleeting moments.

and i think that if even happy food can't cheer you up, nothing can.

i had awesome mudpie at ehub with the cold one. the chocolate was so awesome. but on my way home, reality sunk in. and things just went awry and out of control.

after all my experiences, i think i can only try and look forward, and hope for the best. because giving my best will only leave me empty, hollow, and wanting more without much success.

work, this mundane horrible thing. i hate you. i hate you for the fact that you're spoiling my birthday. i hate you for making me wake up in the early frikkin' morning. i hate you for wasting my time within those 4 walls. i hate you for making me crack my brains.

but sadly, i need you for the payment i'll get.

it could be fatigue, disappointment, lack of enthusiasm, lack of ideas, irritation, and being upset due to the lack of anticipation and excitment, all balled up into one. :(

so if even happy food can't save me now, tell me what can?

love,jane-

you don't know what you're causing do you?

i don't blame you, but i just. really. hope that it seemed to matter more.

5am at the airport, anyone?

2009-04-01T01:10:00.007+08:00

Dakin Matthews with the bunch who turned up for the Shakespeare Masterclass.

and i was THIS CLOSE. I WAS THIS. FUCKING. CLOSE. to seeing him in person and getting his autograph personally.

i am utterly upset and disappointed.

on the other hand, i've learnt from hanjie, that their flight is something like 7 or 8am in the morning. which means they've to be at the airport at about.. 5 or 6am?

i swear this is SO stalker-ish, but im seriously contemplating going down. :(

like gilly said, Ethan Hawke was kinda IN MY FACE. and all i could do was ask for Dakin Matthews. :( SIGHHHHHHH.

so, anyone up for 5am at the airport? *hopeful*

love,jane-
this brand of magic, if only i could turn it into something else.

Flow like Champagne

2009-03-27T03:47:00.003+08:00

today i woke up at 9am, did the stupid tissue paper survey translation, and went back to sleep. Got up in the afternoon about 3, bathed, had lunch, and left to teach. i taught 2 kids today, and went over to parkway to look for some stuff that i needed to buy. got the stuff, met dearest nat, and promptly went home. Got home, bummed about, watched tv, cleaned mugen's cage and its 3.51am now.

why do i feel like i've just wasted a day in my life? :(

oh and. i think i've realised why i tend to not tell the family about stuffs. more about that some other time i suppose.

im meeting Ethan Hawk tomorrow! or later. im. slightly excited. :) but not fan-girl excited. sigh. i should go bath and sleep cause i need to wake up at like, 8.30am. which is like, 4 hours. :(

love,jane

He'll woo a thousand, 'point the day of marriage,
Make feasts, invite friends, and proclaim the banns;
Yet never means to wed where he hath woo'd.

My Friend.

2009-03-24T01:40:00.003+08:00

OH. MYGOD. i'm in shock now. yes like now.

Can you imagine if one day i'd planned to meet you, we'd talked all about the meeting time, place, our destination and all that. And suddenly on that day itself, i don't turn up for the meeting. You're left alone at the control station. Or bus stop. Or something like that.
You call me on my cellphone but i don't answer it. You message me non-stop, but no replies.

And you suddenly get this message/call on your phone. To receive news that (TOUCH WOOD!) i'd died.

OR OR.

Say i'd had a busy day/holiday, and i go for a rest after that. next thing you know, i'm gone.

Because life is just fragile like that.

I'm scared silly. and totally creeped out.
but in anyways, much as i hope that this isn't true and isn't real and its just all a bad prank,

RIP Haikal, you've been a good man, my dear PSL partner.
Memories of you live on in each and every one of us whom you've touched in your special way.
Your cheery demeanour, your positive spirit, your little actions, will not be forgotten.

Love, Jane.

And you will still go home alone. And that is very hard to do.

2009-03-20T23:53:00.003+08:00

Dear Aries,Here is your horoscope for Friday, March 20:

You need to calm down and let others catch up to you -- or even surpass you for the time being. It's one of those days when it's easy to forget that you're in a marathon, not a short-distance sprint.

yep gilly, this might just have been what was wrong.

love,jane-
we all think we're great. And we get bugged when we don't do well. But sometimes our expectations fall short. Sometimes the expected, simply pales in comparison to the unexpected. You gota wonder why we cling to our expectations, because the unexpected is what keeps us standing, standing, standing still. The expected is just the beginning. The unexpected is what changes our lives.
-Meredith Grey

mend my broken heart. pick the pieces up and tape them all. though it won't be the same anymore.

2009-03-17T17:52:00.006+08:00

I know its such a chore, but sometimes, looking at that lil sidebar on my screen, i feel like putting on that inch-thick makeup that i had for love's labour's again. haha. it was fun. and i looked good. hurhur.

that aside.

Have you ever had this feeling, of having a stone on your chest, obstructing your breath, causing you to gasp for air?

Have you ever had this feeling of sadness this intense you don't know how to express or vent it out?

Have you ever felt this exasperation that is just this pent up, you don't know what to make of it?

Well, I have.

Its been 8 years of nurturing that it makes one feel almost delusional.

but somehow it seems, my parents just can't grasp, can't understand this. 8 years since primary school days. tell me how many people actually have 8 years worth of friendship with another? tell me how many people still remain close to their primary school mates? tell me how not to be upset when your best friend of 8 years leaves, indefinitely?

mom actually asked me, "is there really a need to?", when i told her i was gonna take time off teaching to send her off at the airport. she might not have known that she was leaving, almost for good. i think she didn't say anything after that, but she still didn't understand, or might even have blamed me, for taking time off work, just so i could send her.

my poor girl cried at the airport, and i just felt like joining her. but i couldn't, because that would've just led to an even bigger flood of tears.

and guess what? after such an emotional departure, all i felt like, was just to lie down and die. but nooo, i had a wedding dinner to attend. and noooo, the parents STILL did not understand the intensity of emotions i was bugged with.

sometimes i really wish i could stay alone. its not that i don't have my own space now, i do. and i appreciate my parents for giving me so much space and freedom, but sometimes,
somethings are just never enough i guess.

so yea. for the past days, i've, exchanged blows with the tpjc-ians, finally met the pighead, learnt the difference between the cultures of men and women, sang alongside stars, been to the old primary school, met the bunch of people who withstood crap with me, discovered awesome finger fish&chips, watched a very manly snow white prance about, got my fat fish cup, experienced a form of loss, and had to dress up and smile at everyone the very same night, and just last night, had awesome pizza and got to see my light men.

the heart is exhausted. like really, pushed to the limit. departures one after another. let-downs one after another. lies. all lies.

i've learnt not to hope anymore. i've learnt not to take anyone's words for real anymore. i've learnt not to trust anymore. and i've learnt, that sometimes, even the people closest to you, cannot be trusted as much as you would like to trust them. they may be apologetic, they may feel guilty, they might not even care.

trust yourself. and only yourself.

love,jane-

i'm sorry means NOTHING now.

i love you.

2009-03-10T03:24:00.008+08:00

I've just been thinking about it recently. I think especially after the invitations for the cousins' weddings came one after another.

I think i won't ever get married. or have kids. hah.

reasons for it being, the commitment is too much. i think i will suffocate and die. or at least that's what i think for now. i mean, im not even bothered about being in a relationship, so what makes you think im gonna get married. i don't know. it could be age, really. hurhur. i mean, i used to want a boyf. i mean, having a shoulder to lean on every now and then, isn't that bad, is it? but then i think of the parts about having to entertain the other half even when im not in the mood to, even when i think its unnecessary, even when i think its dumb. i think i'll just die. i mean, im getting loads of practice now. =.=" having to entertain unnecessary comments. the sister would know what i mean. so anyways, back to my point. i was just telling js the other day, if i had to marry someone like him, i think i'd die.

yes DIE.

hang myself or jump down the building. i mean, facing the person for like, 10mins or so and patronising them is one thing. having to face them for your whole life is another. so yes, i do think i won't ever get married. i even told mom about it. she was totally cool with it. hahahah. she said shes only worried about me having no company when im old. you know, old and friends all having families to worry about and not being able to spend my time as well as i would like to anymore. but then again, there will always be pets, umm. i hope? haha. i said if i couldn't find company, i'd drag my sister to keep me occupied. :P

and as for kids. don't EVEN get me started on kids. hur.

about the world knows that they get on my nerves now.

i mean, after borders, after having to teach annoying assholes that are frikkin' 4/5 years old and can tell you, "i'm don't want to play today, i'm tired, i want to go home". frikkin' hell. yes, i kind of hate most kids now. true, there are the cute ones, my cousins are still, at this moment, rather cute, but things will change. things ALWAYS change. i already have one cousin annoying the fuck outta me, another screwing himself up, one that doesn't do much to me, but i just find him irritating, and well, the rest are still kinda fine FOR THE TIME BEING. so yea. i dislike kids.

thats point number 1.

xinyi tells me i will learn to love them when they're my flesh and blood instead of being some kid that i only have to see for an hour each week. but nooo. i think if my own flesh and blood were so screwed up, i'd kill the kid man. i mean, can you just IMAGINE, if my kid were to come out and be one of those screwed up bastards that smoke, hates chinese, spews vulgarities better than his own mother tongue, and be like one of those know-it-all assholes nowadays? i swear i'd put the kid either into the washing machine or rice cooker. or if my kid were to be one of those twits who take photos and caption them as "i bitezxxx"? or be one of those bitches that put on make-up as if its free, or decide to perm their hair one day, cut it the next, extend it the next, straighten it the next and so on? or even worse. hang out with morons and act like the whole fucking road/country belongs to them? i think i'd pop the kid straight into the microwave oven. like seriously.

so yea. i think i might never get married, or have kids.

that aside, i went to watch Marley & Me the other day. i didn't want to. basically just didn't have the interest in the show. but D dragged me into it. =.=" so yea i watched it anyways. overall comment's that the show aint too bad, but well, its just one of those shows that you'd watch and go, yea i watched it. the operation table did wet my eyes, but i'd credit that majority to baby. :( so yes. go catch it if you want to, i should think its still airing.

OH YEA. any questions for me, please look 2 posts down, and please, shoot WHATEVER questions you may have for me, AT ME. thanks.

and seriously, with friends like these, who needs other halves or kids? ♥

love,jane-

Commitments are complicated. So we should all choose our commitments wisely.

i'm not brave, enough.

2009-03-04T04:00:00.009+08:00

Chiman will be replaced by the stitch on the tree. hah.
those days. when everything seemed so.. so much easier. when my days would be filled with laughter without a doubt.

my dearest girl. 8 years, and counting on.

i miss my ahma.

and these two youngpunk cousins.

i hate them for always leaving my hanging.

i hate them for ignoring my messages and emails.

i hate them for not turning up all the time.

i hate them for giving patronising replies.

i hate them for all that they've done, that have caused me all that disappointment.

but ultimately, i think i do love them.

its just been clouded so much, with all that doubt, disappointment and rage.

this bunch of people that have brought me nothing but agony.

but guess what?

i think i actually miss them.

no, not ALL of them. but yes, the few key ones, i think i do miss them.

my darlings. (siti shall be replaced by her brother for the time being.)

this bunch of people that one can never get enough of.

i love brown cow, for her blur/stone-ness.

i love the roach, for always playing along with my rubbish.

i love the b.queen, for always being so supportive.

i love q.jean, for who she is.

i love my dear nat, for everything that shes brought.

i love siti, for always being the clear-headed one.

and of course, i love dom, for being the sporting one, being there all the time, everytime.

i love them all, for who they are, for all the reasons above and so much more.

i miss those days.

those days of js, bean and cake.

those days of silly laughters.

i miss being the big group that we were.

true, we have pandar, auntykelly and yoda now.

but sometimes, somethings, some people, can just never be replaced.

i know they're not out to replace them.

but its just different.

no one's gonna complain about having to eat tofu, or drink milk.

no one's gonna get laughed at for only eating 2 fishballs and a bowl of rice.

of course, last but not least.

my dearest miss ong.

have you forgotten our agreement, that is gonna last for another 75 years, at the very least?

right now at this very moment,

i have nothing, but contempt for you.

nothing, but anger and irritation.

nothing, but that hint of hatred, of exhaustion, from having to listen to all your explanations.

i know. i know you're busy. i know you're tired from work. i know you're all the reasons there are. trust me, i know.

and i know that you know you've missed out from my life.

i don't blame you for that, really.

i just wish, you could've been there when i really needed you.

i just wish, you were there, when i needed someone to cry on, someone to lean on, someone, to just be there.

but you were not.

i know i cannot expect everyone to treat me as i would treat them.

but would a little thing such as lunch or dinner, or even a short meeting of half an hour, be that difficult?

if i can make time out for other people, so can i for you. so would i for you. i definitely would.

but lately it seems, maybe, giving hopelessly, single-sidedly, just doesn't seem enough.

and i am tired. tired of trying. tired of waiting hopelessly. tired of planning aimlessly, getting my hopes up, looking forward so much, just to get them all dashed, at the very last minute. without even one word from you, with no news at all, only to find out at the very end, that you're not going to be there. again. and only after i was the one who prompted, to message you, to find out if you're still frikkin' alive.

and when that reply comes, i really don't have much to say, but

why am i not surprised?

i just wish, that you could've taken more initiative. that you would've bothered more. that everything, would've meant that little bit more to you.

then again, wishes never do come true, do they?

the heart is tired. the mind is exhausted. the hopes, have long been dashed and non-existent.

till i'm ready to receive another blow, till im ready to go through this all over again.

let's wait till i'm ready. or whenever you are.

love, jane-
4am, 5.04am. why do things turn out this way?

nothing lasts

2009-03-04T03:08:00.003+08:00

i love you.
-video with credits to q.jean.

Evanescence - My Immortal

it just fits so nicely somehow.
listen to them both, together, but of course, turn the music down.

the poem is just, so apt. so.. true. so... more than words.

love, jane-
pardon me while i settle down.

but what can you tell me, baby?

2009-02-27T03:41:00.006+08:00

CNY 09'. 809 bbq, pit 24.

Jean's farewell 09'. pit 31.

those were good times, awesome times.

i think its my dearest drunkard's fault. really. i miss that feeling again. the cohesiveness. those crazy non-stop hours of fun, laughter and awesome home-made music. :(

what will never be.

that apart, i would like to make a huge announcement.

DISCLAIMER:

PLEASE FOR GOODNESS SAKE. WHATEVER YOU SEE HERE, ENDS HERE.

DO NOT BRING WHATEVER YOU READ/SEE/LINK/THINK FROM THIS BLOG, BACK TO YOUR LIFE AND DISCUSS ABOUT IT WITH YOUR FAMILY/FRIENDS/COUSINS/RELATIVES/COLLEAGUES/WHATEVER.
i mean fine, if you do it with the people i DON'T know. but if i DO know them, please stfu.

DO NOT, and I MEAN DO NOT. QUESTION MY MOTHER, FATHER, SISTER, RABBITS, FAMILY, ABOUT WHAT YOU READ HERE.

because it is plain FUCKING ANNOYING.

i had the sillycow ask my mum about me switching schools when mom didn't tell anyone about it. for which, i am thankful to mom for.

i had my aunt asking my mum bout what school i was going, when its starting and all that questioning shit, cause my cousin told his mum about it.

NO PEOPLE, I DO NOT APPRECIATE YOU SPREADING THE NEWS ON MY BEHALF.

and yes, what's done is done. i can't blame the people who've been guilty, cause i retarded-ly decided to put it on the frikkin' web. but now that i've stated, PLEASE RESPECT MY DECISION.

WHATEVER QUESTIONS YOU HAVE, SHOOT THEM FRIKKIN' AT MEEEE.

so once and for all, i will answer all your questions.

yes, i AM leaving SIM. official reasons being that the course is too expensive and is totally NOT worth it. because what im learning does NOT make sense. and i've decided that rather than waiting for 2 years before leaving, i'm leaving on my 2nd term. which will save me much agony AND money. of course, that includes all that money i've had to spend on going all the way to friggin' clementi. in fact, i do think that its a blessing in disguise cause now my friends at sim are all complaining about their current sem. so yea. that's the best reason i can offer you.

i'm headed for Murdoch's local campus which is housed at SMA. i'll be taking the mass communications diploma, followed by degree. its a 3 year course, and costs about half the amount that ub was charging me. and yes, it IS frikkin' nearer. they have a campus at bugis, and one at dhoby gaut. both nearer than frikkin' CLEMENTI. but i've heard that they're opening a new campus at REDHILL. =.=" goddamn. but anyways. registration starts in march, and today is just 2nd march, so i haven't signed up yet, but yes, i will be heading down to do it soon. school term starts officially in april.

ANY OTHER QUESTIONS? PLEASE JUST SHOOT THEM AT ME. ME. MEEEEE.

i've actually so much i feel like blogging about. i don't know where to start actually. hurhur.

so much has happened since cny.

i can't really remember everything now, so yes, i'm relying on photo memories kay.

so yea, cny visiting, then i went for the bbq with aisyah later that night. to quote aisyah, "it was a very weird night". and i totally agree. but it was a very fun one, albeit being rather weird. and it opened my eyes to other things. hahahhahaha. anyhoos.

the girls had random gambling sessions at both auntykelly and perrine's house. and we found out that yoda totally CANNOT play in between. ahahahah.

family gatherings here and there, watched a couple of really really good taiwanese plays, brought miss queen jean ON HER MANICURE TRIP SINCE 2 YEARS AGO. ahahahha. had quite a few dessert sessions with jean, meiyun, gilly. i even met up with miss yip. since like, 1? or 2 or 3 years ago. ahha. yes and that night was really fun. we went to watch dark knuts, followed by some food and drinks at timbre artshouse. i think that's my new fave spot. ahhaha. brewerkz with my roach, b.queen and q.jean the next day.

oh then there was chiman's cny-cum-my-parents-are-not-at-home-come-and-party! bbq that i went with meiyun. played her wii and laughed ourselves silly. worked at auntykelly's for a week and have since been extra determined to not get an office job in the future. then, just as we were starting to get used to having q.jean around, she scoots back to kangaroo land again. :( just before she left we had time to have a get-together bbq/pizza at bbq pit gathering for her. she achieved her main objective (YAY TO THAT. hahaha.) but she didn't count herself in. hahah. managed to celebrate lisa's birthday (kind of.) with her badbrains cd, pasta mania, and lots of jean quotes.

then there was miss fire chief's birthday celeb, which was so funny. hahaha. (all photos on fb. only selected ones will make it here. :P ) and yes, miss q.jean left for wasted land the very next day. :( super rarity though, was that doreen actually made it. hahaha. the b.queen, doreen and i went. and we had popeye's after that. which left me craving for popeye's the next day after drum lesson. =.=

and fast forward 2 days till today. went for zhihong's wedding dinner. loved the bride's sparkly gown and im sorry but the sister and i were laughing and sniggering at so many random things. :x seriously, thinking about retribution, i don't think i wanna get married ever. HAHAHA. :x and yes dum, if you're reading this.

I STILL DEMAND MY SPARKLY TABLE AND CHAIR FROM YOU.

i have so many random thoughts i need to have an outlet for. i miss bringing a notebook and pen/pencil around for me to doodle and scribble on. :( i should go get my drawing pad again.

right. sorry for the really long and naggy post, but yes, i'm bringing an end to it. like NOW.

ciao.

love, jane-

Do you have a winner's mentality? You know the fight is ugly. If you're not ready to give it all for the team, you're redundant. Slightly heavy for blog-hopping material? Too intense? Perhaps you think I should lighten up. Maybe you've just never had something worth fighting for.

-taken from the evil one. but yes, i totally get it.

tell me how, tell me why

2009-02-18T18:33:00.003+08:00

Can i say i ABSOLUTELY HATEx1000000 it, when things don't go to plan?
i really do. i admit, im not much of a planner myself. but i hatehatehate, effing hate it, when things are planned and set for a date, then something else crops up.
and somehow, it ALWAYS, seems that its MY fault, i can't make it for something else just cause something else was ALREADY EFFING PLANNED WAY AHEAD.

im upset too that i can't be able to be everywhere and turn up for every other event like i want to. so what else can i say but, PLEASE FUCKING PLAN AHEAD OF TIME AND INFORM ALL THE RELEVANT PEOPLE?
i know. i know people are upset i won't be able to be somewhere, trust me, I AM TOO. but can i really help it that i already have things planned?

i don't know if any of you that im annoyed with currently will ever read this, but i really am upset. first it was a sunday. and when i finally was able to make it, it got cancelled. then it shifted to tuesday. i had a date with xinyi, but i was even prepared to cancel that. i haven't met xinyi for.. almost half a year pretty much? and i was even prepared to cancel that. AND? the date changes again. and of all dates, it changes to a saturday that i already have things planned. i don't even know if this particular saturday with my other plan is gonna run smoothly, or if im gonna end up friggin' pissed. but the point is, it was planned like 3 weeks, almost a month ago.

and i would just like to say, i know that saturday is, well, a rather big occasion. i mean it only comes once a year innit. and you people mean the world to me. you've been with me all this while. thru my ups and downs. thru the little laughs and major happenings. but they are equally important to me. they were the ones i turned to when i lost my precious. they were the ones who have almost NEVER failed me before.

and so, upset and annoyed as i am that i can't be there, theres nothing much i can, or will do.
all i can muster up now, is a sorry, and even then, i still don't think im at fault.

love,jane-
you really don't know how much agony im in, do you?

lack of updates!

2009-02-17T22:43:00.001+08:00

i really wanna blog. i have like so many things to say/type/record. i just really lack the time and energy to do so. :(

love,jane-

do you feel it? tell me.

2009-01-25T22:39:00.003+08:00

WHY. WHYYYYYY. WHYYYYYY must he go tomorrow. :(

i know. i know the fact that he goes, is gonna make the grandma much much happier.
BUT. it makes me unhappy. :(
i've gotta wake up at some unholy-godly hour, to get ready, just so i can leave my place at EFFING 7.30AM, just cause he wants to avoid everyone else. =.=

ROARRRRRRR. THIS SUCKS.
sighhhh.

i know, i know this has almost become a tradition for my family, but that does NOT mean that i like it. it does NOT mean that i really prefer waking up at that kind of hours. WHAT THE EFFING HELL DAMMMMIT! x(

SAD. DAMN SAD.

ohyea. HAPPY CNY09' ALL! :)

okay thatsitbye.

love,jane-
don't wanna be, alone!