GAWDDDDDD. im in this terrible terrible dilemma. i want SO BADLY for monday to come, then tuesday, then wednesday, then POOF! im over and done with effing exams.
BUT THEN AGAINNNN. i SO do NOT want it to come. im SO behind time in terms of studying for all my subjects. :( RAWR.
this is so so terrible. i feel so depressed. i think, and highly suspect that its exams-induced. :(
i SO need my daily sugar intake to keep me up now. it used to work as something to keep me high. now i need it so that i can keep myself going.YES THATS HOW BAD IT IS DAMMIT.
its like this feeling, of pre-onstage jitters, or pre-match nerves. its this nagging feeling that won't go away. that you just KNOW will ease, once the deed is done. sigh.
i did FOH for office party just now. i know its totally not the time to be doing this kinda thing, butwells, i signed up for it, so i just had to go. the show was good, no doubt. all the actors were awesome. sue and michael were fabulous, shane mardjuki was great (and he looked so cute! hahaha.) and his hair was absolutely DA BOMB lah. hahaha. ;D cynthia lee and the other guy, andrew? or something the guy playing the boss, were great beyond speech. loved their portrayal of the characters. the feet stomping, the bimbo-tone when picking up phone, everything was near perfection. wendy kweh's character seemed a tad boring next to the others that were so full of life, but i thought hers was more of internalizing and i thought it was wonderful nontheless. jason chan was good. his character was so.. easily believable. and that kind of sharp changes in emotions, i really admire him for that. vic, albeit without lines, probably left an even more lasting impression on people than some of the other actors. im so proud shes my friend. hahaha.
so, people, those who haven't caught it, go watch go watch! its gooooood. runs till the 14th. if im not wrong. ;)
can't wait till the 6th myself. :(
love,jane- i just wanna lie down and not move till you rouse me with your lips.
and i knew right from the start, that this should be kept as private and confidential. that only the both of us should know about it. and there we have it, you've proven me right about my point. that this should never be, and never should have been known to a third party. that this should, and must be solely between the 2 of us. i understand your point, friend. but you must take a look at mine, and stand in my shoes as well. i know fully well what i'm about to risk, what i'm going to put at stake. you've only thought of the academic part, haven't you? well, i've gone on furthur and even thought about the legal parts of it. because i know what i'm risking. because its the necessary evil. because without it, things would fall apart. i know what you mean, friend. but you should also feel me. feel my hunger, to move on. feel my agony, for it. feel my hyperventilating self, when i'm at it. you've seen how i've reacted. and its all because of it. you really don't know how desperate i am, just to be rid and free of it. once and for all. again. i thank you very much for the company, friend. because i understand that such friendships don't come by everyday. i think i understand how you are worried for me. i think i know how you feel i should try instead. i think i should thank you very much for it. and i do, from the bottom of my heart. but. if only you can understand how i'm feeling. if only you are able to feel that kind of desperation like for water in a desert that i'm feeling. if only you know how it is to start hyperventilating at the mere mention of it. you will know throughly, how much i need this. how badly i want this. how evil i feel deep inside, but desperate to get this over with. i thank you again, my dear friend, from the bottom-most of my heart. honestly. but i think i will go ahead with it. love,jane- cause sometimes, life just doesn't give you a choice. either that, or they give you a list of useless answers to choose from.
seeing caroline's band photos on facebook. seeing her with her band. seeing her joining that asian beats band comp. thingy. RAHHHH. :( they got through the first round. i saw their video. call it jealousy, call it sour grapes, call it being competitive, call it whatever you want dammit. but i honestly think Soul Fusion<3 would have and would still be able to have done SO much better. would've totally trashed them. because we are so awesome.
i still remember the first jamming session SO clearly. i was sitting in my little corner, right next to the door, feeling so.. odd. hah. and all those songs that they were playing sounded either.. unfamiliar, or i couldn't catch up, AT ALL.and i so didn't know these people. they all simply seemed like strangers to me. besides the ahbang kental, of course. like durhhh, innit? i only remembered our oh-so-powerful vocalist, our bassist with long hair that didn't suit him, and the drummer guy who wore a helmet. (cause he rides lah.)
one more session, and intensive crashing. then we had our auditions round. Evanescence- Call me when you're sober.
The audition day. i bus-ed down after teaching. wearing that all black outfit, supposedly "goth". might've scared a little kid or two on my way. hah. so glad bernie and i had the same thinking, that all blacks was not something we wanted. and we had that same moment of wanting to burst out laughing, when we saw that ahbeng carry that polka dot bag which was part of our free goodie-bag. its still so clear, how my hands trembled so badly. how i was the only one with a score for a keyboardist. how my hands failed to regain normal temperature for so long even after we'd sat down and had some drinks.
that was our first time on stage.
following jamming sessions were in the bigger room. and the 2nd week was especially rushed, cause i was having intensive love's labour's lost rehearsals. we went to the ahbeng's place, where i was introduced to the keyboard that i would be able to get used to. then to his other place at tampines, where we had our last practice before the semis, and we all started blabbering nonsense cause we were all so tired.
The day of the Semis. Skipped teaching that day. i think. can't really remember honestly. it was outdoors this time around. and they all commented that i looked ahlian. T.T
(cause bernie and i made them all dress in colours. :D haha.)
i still remember the ahbeng was so beat he totally was falling asleep before it started. but the semis were the awesom-est. we did gimme one reason, which went into duffy's mercy. it was so beautiful. our band cohesiveness was flawless. and most importantly, i enjoyed myself so much on stage that day. its just a shame we all had to rush off somewhere after that. i was off to the full run rehearsal for love's labour's, and the ahbang kental had to teach i think. ahbeng had to go back to school. sigh.
AND WE GOT INTO THE FINALS. hah. ultimate awesome-ness, no? a band which was formed, barely a month old. and we beat so many bands and got into the finals. hah. we SO rock. that week's jamming sessions were stressful honestly. even though it never really felt like that. i think it was more of a fact that i was busy with my comms project hand in, and organising of the 809 bbq. (which turned out to be much fun, btw.) we continued jamming, and finally decided to do away with aretha franklin's "Respect" and Wheatus's "A little respect". i think i missed school almost the whole of that week besides maybe monday and friday? hah. and of course, late night suppers at macs which i so wouldn't forget so easily. with rats lurking and that silly ahbeng throwing pieces of food to them. =.="Friday was the day i would so not forget. i had school in the morning, where i was kinda still having that slight bit of awkward-ness with yiwen cause i'd quarreled with her over the project meeting. and i'd to meet up with cockroach, mich, lyn, aisyah, jean and uncle jade to get the food stuffs. it was busybusybusy the whole time. and we finally got to the pit. dom arrived, liz arrived, and i had to go off to jamming. hah. last night was stressful. but i'd proven my point that i could get my chords down. ahha. silly mat was doubtful. HAH. :P jamming ended with that doubtful and heavy feeling hanging in all of our hearts. or at least, mine. i went back to the pit after that to find some unhappy things, but we had fun and hung out till bout 4+ before going home anyways.
THE DAY ITSELF. OUR FINALS. the ahbeng picked me up, and we did a sound check with the previous week's songs. hah. bernie was obviously very nervous. haha. i tried out my chords and she was like :" shhh! don't play! later they know." HAHA. cute lah she. the keyboard's sounds were giving me problems. and that check really didn't do much to be honest. it only made me more nervous than ever. bernie's family was there that day. so was the ahbeng's sister and friend. domdom came to see the ahbang and i. hahaha. we were the last group to play dammit. and i had to sit through all the previous band's. when we finally went on stage without our shoes, (WE WERE SUPPORTING BERNIE, WHO HADN'T WORN SHOES DURING ALL OUR PERFORMANCES! heh.) it was nerve-wrecking. i could feel my heart pumping so loudly. my nerves, and all that adrenaline pumping. first song, You had me, Joss Stone. went fairly alright. then on to the next, a medly of ABC and I want you back by Jackson5, which the previous group did as well dammit. they did ABC, I want you back and another song. Ben or something i think. i screwed up. :( the keyboard was suddenly effing loud. but we managed to pull through without much major glitches i guess.
results were terribly nerve-wrecking. and i DO mean the sitting on the edge of your seat kind of nerve-wrecking. WE WERE THE TOP 3. hah. we got 3rd in the end. but it was still great, considering we were only a band which was formed for less than a month. or at most, a month. hah. we took photos, (which no one sent btw. =.=" ) and we all, once again, had to leave for one reason or another. the ahbeng was going for dinner with his family, bernie was leaving with her family as well. ahbang kental was rushing home to teach, and the mat.. i can't remember. hah. but i was flying off to kallang for my final match. i almost lost my trophy on the way and i got so flustered. luckily i found it back.
its been lying on my bed all these months, accompanying me to bed. hah.
i really miss the band.
so here's presenting to you,
Soul Fusion
we so rock innit. ;)
its been a looonggg and wordy post. for those who've read up till here, i thank you for reading about our journey. or at least, my journey in this terribly awesome band.
otherwise, if you've just scrolled all the way down, i'd say you've just lost out on getting to know this great band better. you might wanna just take a look at the vid. ;)
I should be so happy. I had my nails done. :D I should be so happy. I scored full marks for my CSE quiz. (i failed the previous 2) I should be so happy. I got to meet up with my dearest girls and chij were all present. I should be so happy. class ended early today. I should be so happy. term ends in 2 days.
But why do these feelings all seem so distant even though its only like, 3 hours ago?
I suddenly feel so upset. no idea why. I suddenly feel so lonely. no idea why. I suddenly feel so restless. no idea why. I suddenly feel so exhausted. no idea why. I suddenly feel so angsty. no idea why. I suddenly feel so much like crying. i have no idea why.
even after laughing out loud. eating a whole packet of jellies. watching tv. playing games.
these emotions simply refuse to fade away. WHY? arrgh this is so annoying. :(
in regards to the facebook status of mine currently if anyone is even interested to know, i think i just got so tired of everything. of borders events, of e4 gatherings, of even tiny little meetups with who i thought were the closer ones like charlotte, stef, azi, aisyah etc., of lunch meetings with the young co. lovelies, of tenzing outings, of 6/5 gatherings, and to some extent, even plannings to meet up with one paticular person. WHY IS IT ALWAYS SO HARD! i told xinyi when she told me she was excited about meeting up with 2e1 04'. i told her, the higher the hopes, the bigger the disappointment. and its true. i feel that way wholeheartedly.
i'm through with people telling me they would turn up and then don't. i've had enough of people cancelling on me last minute. i've suffered enough of the crap and nonsense coming from people not taking their own responsibilities.
and basically, i think i'm just finally tired and beaten. its not been easy, planning all these gatherings, meetups, outings, all amidst me having school, having work, having so many other activities. today in school yiwen asked me why im always so busy, having things after school all the time. i think its because i enjoy it. i think its because i feel proud of my friends and i would love to hang out with them all the time. i think its because i love my friends so much i don't really want to be seperated from them for too long periods. i think its because, i love gatherings. and honestly, its ALWAYS, ALWAYS! just talk. no one EVER takes action. so i have to be the one, no?
and i think im starting to realise. those who only ever just talk and never take action, are the smart ones. because they have stupid people like me slogging their guts out preparing and planning everything, cleaning up and making sure everything is set up properly. just so everyone can enjoy their gatherings.
i don't know. i think i've really had enough. i'm through with people not appreciating all the hardwork thats put into every tiny meetup/gathering/outing. some people like azi see it oh-so-clearly and they're able to save all that effort. unfortunately im not smart enough. i've had to learn it the hard way.
oh and btw, aiza's voice is really theraputic.
love,jane- if i fall, will you catch me and be waiting?
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