Sunday, September 27, 2009
its been a rough night.
what has been an awesome day, has become a night so hard to tolerate.
it's been so bad that all these morbid thoughts are flooding into my overactive mind again.
its bad. so terrible.
i should never have gone for the dinner.
i should never have shared my joy with you.
i should never have been foolish and naive enough to think that you would appreciate it.
i should never, have.
and now, you can be rest assured, because i never, will.
i'm going to get some sleep now because sleep cures everything. it is the miracle pill to all pains and aches. or at least i think so.
if it doesn't cure me, i might just wither.
you, have just made me lose all my zest, all my spirit, all my fire, my passion for life.
i know this makes it so.. exaggerated. but thats how i feel right now.
you might not have been all the cause of it, but thanks to you, its been triggered.
i hope you feel guilty.
i hope the guilt creeps into your dreams and haunts you.
thanks so much for nothing.
jane-
and i thought i could trust you!?
Labels: i need some skittles., OBVIOUSLY FED-UP
Friday, September 18, 2009
humans are greedy. we all are.
but what kind of annoys me is that we are also indecisive creatures. just a simple question of head or heart, and there were that many, who couldn't give me an outright answer. always going with, "but everyone has both sides", or "i'm a little bit of both i think," or, "but i've both!"
YES DAMMIT. EVERYONE HAS BOTH SIDES.
but its the matter of which, is more prominent. its the matter of which you would go for, on first instinct. i ain't no m'effing scientist/marketresearch expert/ psychologist/ brain reader here. just a normal person, trying to be nosy, cause i found an interesting topic.
i'm greedy too. cause my answer to my own question is that, i think i say that i'm a heart person, but deep down, i'm actually a head person. so yes, i'm greedy that way too. but at least, my outright answer would be HEAD.
urrgghhh. why isit one can never get outright answers. even in the case of ice-cream or ferrari. so many people telling me that one can sell the ferrari and get lots of ice-cream, or drive the ferrari to get the ice-cream etc. THAT IS NOT THE POINT DAMMIT. sigh.
i am going to ignore the next person who doesn't give me an outright answer. cause they don't frikkin' get the point/question.
end of rant. thankyouverymuch.
point aside, TGIF! haha. not that it makes a hugeee difference to me. but stilllll.
tmr's saturday already. i've my monologue down. almost, at least. good job jane. :D then movie after class. for some reason, i don't really have high hopes for it. i'm expecting so many people to fly kites. sigh. we'll see, we'll see.
love,
jane-
&i've just hung up my ring this evening. we'll see if it stays, or comes back to me.
Labels: i need some skittles., OBVIOUSLY FED-UP
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
It was a really good talk with edie's mummy last night/this morning. cleared my mind. kinda. and at the very least, i can do what i've been talking about now- slowing down and sorting them thoughts out. cause i've just been saying and procrastinating but not getting down to it.
i still don't really know. but i suppose in time, we all will innit.
point aside. what started as a personal issue, is really starting to get interesting to me now. the same question, a general question to everyone who reads this blog of mine:
Head or Heart?
i've guessed a few correctly, a few wrongly. and somehow i do think that we're all born heart people. its just how we evolve as society gets to us. especially local kids. the society makes us conform to its norms that we turn into head people, and neglect the heart instead. sad innit. tsk.
so what do you pick?
love,
jane-
touch me, to-touch me baby, but don't mess up my hair.
Labels: life's too short for lousy food., realisations
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Last night, for the very first time (or at least, the 1st i can remember), i just lay there on my bed, with my eyes open, unable to fall asleep.
For an hour or so, i spun around my bed, fell into all sorts of poses, went 180degrees around, and still could not get to sleep.
this, has taken its toll on me.
this, is such a cruel joke that fate is playing on me.
this, is, probably retribution, for putting my words down so strongly.
Dear Jane,
Here is your single's love horoscope for Tuesday, September 15 :
Whoa, there -- you're ready to rush into something, whether it's a relationship or a snap judgment. The key now is to slow down and get more information -- including the clues from your own heart.
somehow, you're right for once. clues from the heart.
but should i listen to the heart, or the head?
love,
jane-
i am sick of being in this grey area. this has to conclude.
Labels: i need some skittles.
Friday, September 11, 2009
have i really failed thus badly as a friend, as a person, a human being, that even when i need to rant, i can't find anyone?
posts these days have been so whiny and annoying. i hate it. but i've nowhere else to turn to. i write, i type, i blog. but you realise, im not actually talking to an actual human being.?
within the few of them, i can feel a huge hole between us. this gap that is so hard to miss. im sorry im not like miss ee, who can patch things up so quickly, no matter how long shes been away. im sorry i haven't been there often enough. but i've tried, no? i've tried to be there for you, every single one of the 3 of you, whenever i could. but on the other hand, have you, tried? performances after performances. i'm not even daring to hope that you would turn up. just the very little plea that you might remember it, that i may feel your support, whether morally, or physically.
crew of the scream house are all busy. with work, with school, with attachments, projects. i want to say more, but, let's just leave it there for now.
idk how to bring things up to you, friend. there have been, so many things. i don't even know where to start.
and it just feels like, everyone's leaving. miss riotdisco left. my bff of 8 years, left. miss head-bobbing left. miss sport goondu is leaving, though not as soon, thankfully.
i suppose i've just gotta learn how to cope eh.
oh btw.
im not going to hk anymore.
which could be whats bugging me the most right now at this point.
FINE. BE THAT WAY.
I WILL STAND UP AND PROVE THE WORLD WRONG.
I WILL SURVIVE.
love,
jane-
see how i speak of it so lightly, yet my heart is still dripping blood up till this very moment?
Labels: i need some skittles., I'm. NOT. strong. enough
Thursday, September 10, 2009
i think, somewhere up there, someone is playing a prank on me. :(
i've been so happy the past few days. saturday, sunday, monday, and the streak even carried on till tuesday. i got to see my dearest babies on tuesday. it was all happy and shiny till last night. really. SO VERY ANNOYING! >:(
story goes like this. i was supposed to go to hk with mom and the usual gang in september. the next weekend, to be specific. THEN. this. person whom we shall simply call WOMAN, says she will do all the arranging of stuffs and whatnots. she comes back and says that there are no air tickets for september. ALL ALONG, she had been outright against going in september. and WOW, magically, the bloody airlines follows her will and sells out!? SERIOUSLY, WOMAN!?
FINE. i got so annoyed, i say i will check it personally cause i was pissed like that. i check, and i realise the timings are crap. FINE. my bad. sorry for doubting you.
carrying on, mom INFORMS (not even ask, its bloody INFORM) me that, we will be going to macau. WTF?! i don't wanna go there! i've not been there, yes. but im not interested. and in this case, they're gonna go for a lame hk tour the first half of the day(just so they can get those stupid ferry tics to macau for free), then proceed to macau for the 2nd half of the day, spend the night there, and the next half of the day there before coming back to hk. for me, THATS A FRIKKIN' DAY AND A HALF WASTED THANKSVERYMUCH.
and so, even after i haven't gotten over this, TODAY, tuition kid informs me that her exam will be on the 9th october, 2009. thats her PSLE paper. the actual one. yes.
we were planning to go from 6th-10th october.
ONE WAVE AFTER ANOTHER. TELL ME HOW NOT TO SUSPECT SOMEONE IS OUT TO GET ME?
i know, i know. this is something so small. but ITS ANNOYING DAMMIT.
my days, i would like to spend happy and smiley and all. not having to think about these annoying little things.
fucking hell annoying.
idk what to do now. :(
i really really really REALLY wanna go! but not with WOMAN messing things up, not with me not being able to be around for tuition kid, not with having to waste a day and a half dealing with stupid aunties who might be on the same tour as us, going to macau and all.
if the date can't be changed, for all you know, much as i want to, i might just skip it. saves everything innit. sucker.
i really want to just sit down and cry and ignore everything, and let things miraculously right themselves.
miss oracle. i really miss you. i know you're probably busy and all now that you've gone corporate. idk what to say really, i just miss you quite terribly.
oh this really random note, i was on the train with miss friend-whos-also-sick while on my way home the other day. and then idk why, but we started talking about kids. and i was being me, as usual, talking about not having kids, not getting married. and she went: "cause you're still so young, i'm how old already." and then almost instinctively, defensively, i thought- but its not about the age! idk. kfine. maybe, i MIGHT be about the age. but. AHWELLS.
yes evil one, THE CURSE. it runs in the family. my mind is bursting with thoughts. T.T
and somehow, i know this post is gonna turn out badly, so NO, DO NOT, mention of it to ANYONE ELSE INVOLVED. YES, I'M TALKING ABOUT YOU MISS SER. LEAVE IT. whatever is here, remains here, UNLESS, either one of the 3 mums find out, OF THEIR OWN ACCORD. otherwise, LEAVE IT HERE. i don't need any extra drama to this saga thanksverymuch.
love,
jane-
i would like to break this curse, for badluck, and for over-thinking please.
Labels: i need some skittles., I'm. NOT. strong. enough, OBVIOUSLY FED-UP
Monday, September 07, 2009
yesterday and today have been good. awesome good. :D
so i suppose it started off a tad rocky with the lousy audition. but i got my necklace fixed! HAPPY. :D
AND I PASSED MY GRADE 8 PRACTICAL PIANO EXAM! :D
and then i got to play with wormie. :D
then i got to see ahma. and she liked the food. double :D.
then i got to hang out with nik and we chatted non-stop. :D
then this morning we had cedele and i had a very nice strawberry tartlet. :D
and we hung out abit more till she had to go home. :D
then i met up with mr we-almost-became-cousins and i managed to find my book at the esplanade lib. double :D.
OH. and obviously, today i skipped teaching as well. HEE. :D
so 11 :Ds in total. which makes it the majority to the 2 :(s that i have. one which is making me cough non-stop, the other cause i didn't manage to get jan.
anyways.
I'M A HAPPY GIRL. :D
now to keep my fingers crossed that it'll last thru monday.
wormieee ♥
(sister doesn't get why i like this photo cause wormie's face can't even be seen clearly. but i like it cause its so, happy! the smile wasn't faked, and wormie was having fun. all in that instant.)
love,
jane-
you make it easier when life gets hard. ♥
Labels: life's too short for lousy food., photos
Thursday, September 03, 2009
the last post was post number 666. :O
apart from that.
i think im blogging too much. could be the lack of school. but anyways.
its this sudden urge of letting words flow. letting myself indulge in speaking/typing my mind. because i'm deprived like that.
i miss you quite so terribly, miss lau. everything that i've done. emails, facebook mails, facebook messages, msn, i've tried almost everything. and yet, nothing!?
8 years, love. 8 frikkin years. we've come a long way, have we not? and you are still one of the few that i keep close contact with. until you left, that is. i don't know if i'll ever mean to you, what you mean to me. but you're not stone, are you? i'm sure you feel something, no? from the point when we were kids, bobbing around the school, doing our righteous prefect duties, to secondary school, when we were that bit more grown-up, when you had mr cy, and had so many issues about him. to mr have-it-your-way, to mr gohwl. its been that long and more.
DO YOU NOT FUCKING SEE MY EFFORTS TO KEEP IT GOING!
i'm trying so hard. i even lugged my laptop all the way to hk, just so that i would've been able to contact you. and you, let me down. over the weekend you came back. fine, so that was that. nothing could've been done. but over and over again i remind myself how i managed to call you, and you, after saying you'd call, never did. and i was left like an idiot. and i had to leave with a heavy heart.
i blamed myself. i blamed our lousy timings. i blamed every little thing but you!
but i see no love from you.
the least you could do, was acknowledge my efforts. i didn't even need you to feel the same. but no, you just had to leave it as it is, isn't it?
so all that we've ever had, equates to nothingness then?
thanks a lot for the experience, friend. or so i thought.
love,
jane-
see what i mean when i say i'd rather remain emotionless?
Labels: i need some skittles., OBVIOUSLY FED-UP
Wednesday, September 02, 2009
OMG. you know, 朋友，我隔天就很兴奋的查看我的留言板。但一发现没有新的讯息时，我，有那么一点点的失望。当我到你的网站看到一堆华文字时，我笑了。
很不自觉的，笑了。哈哈。朋友，我以你为荣！哈哈哈。
你说的，我都了。那天，我的确是累了。但也是因为，心不在焉。我一心的只在找寻能和我庆祝的朋友，忽略了你们，我道歉。那天是我盼了多久的一天，终于，把作业交上了。可是我也知道，你们，大概也不会和我庆祝，所以一心的在找别人。但也有可能，是因为失望吧。期望越高，失望越大。本以为会有，至少，4-5个人吧。到头来，加上我，只有4个人。不要误会。我看到你们3个，也真心的，感到高兴。只是，有点遗憾吧。以前的10个人？少到变6个，到那天的4个。是有一点，可怜。
你的好意，我心领了。但，如我所说的，我行我素的作风，我仍努力保持。我如果不想让别人看到脆弱的一面，你觉得我会去跟神诉说我的一切吗？哈。我不想听，不愿意听，也不会听。我知道你可能觉得那会对我有益。但你又可否想过，那，也会成为我的一种依赖？我就是不要依赖。我不要有那种，不能没有什么的依赖。我宁可自己受苦，自己承担，承受一切，也不愿意有依赖。因为那太累了。我已经学会没有任何的期望，盼望，希望了。我知道，我知道。你会说神依然会存在，不会走开。但，我不要。我不要任何的依赖。我宁愿苦死自己，也不愿听别人对我传教，也不愿让步。
所以，就和我说了那么多次了一样，你的好意，我心领了，也感激。但，谢了，我自己，仍过得很好。
still so very proud of you typing in chinese! teehee.
i think this is so very beautiful. i'm gonna go search up pablo neruda. :D
Sonnet XVII (100 Love Sonnets, 1960), Pablo Neruda
I don’t love you as if you were the salt-rose, topazor arrow of carnations that propagate fire:
I love you as certain dark things are loved,secretly, between the shadow and the soul.
I love you as the plant that doesn’t bloom and carries hidden within itself the light of those flowers,
and thanks to your love, darkly in my body lives the dense fragrance that rises from the earth.
I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where,
I love you simply, without problems or pride:
I love you in this way because I don’t know any other way of loving
but this, in which there is no I or you,
so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand,
so intimate that when I fall asleep it is your eyes that close.
i have orange nails now, YAY. :D days without work, indeed, so much sweeter.
sigh. if only everyday could be like this.
on a side note, miss i-still-keep-his-chest-hair, i miss you quite terribly. :( i miss hearing updates from you everyday, about mr chest-hair. i miss random ramblings coming from you. i miss hearing you exclaim whenever i talk about mr chest-hair. i miss you lah. :(
love,
jane-
“If you look inside a girl’s heart, you’d see how much she really cries. You’ll find hidden secrets, best friends and lies. But what you’ll see the most is how hard it is to stay strong when nothing is right and everything is wrong.”
—Anonymous
Labels: i need some skittles.
Tuesday, September 01, 2009
朋友，i'm SO proud of you! you actually typed that whole chunk in chinese! hee.
i would so love to reply you with a digustingly long post, in chinese. only i know you probably won't be able to understand 3/4 of it. hahaha. :P
我变了。对。i've mentioned it once and i'll say it again.
things happen so often, and we change every so often that sometimes, we don't even realise it. everyone's changing. everyday. believe it or not, accept it or not. its just a matter of, for the better or for the worse.
人，是可怕的动物。但人，也是，the thing that is closest to us.
我不喜欢我现在的这个变化。我讨厌，厌恶现在的这种脆弱，无助。
this form of vulnerability- i hate showing weakness.
but circumstances are as such. they like making us go against our wills. and that is why, i'm putting up such a fierce fight against it. ultimately who wins, we'll just have to leave it to fate innit. 我从很久以前，已经学会随缘了。haha. sounds so, buddhist teachings ah. but really. then again, it could be the fact that i've just never really bothered. whatever will be, will be. because whats the point in holding out for something that, even I'm unsure about? holding onto it tirelessly, pushing on just cause i think thats the right thing to do. i'm done with that. 我受够了。
现在的这种依赖，让我感到害怕，恐慌，彷徨。我似乎失去了自己的安全感。-自己的避风港，似乎被侵略了。我行我素的作风，我仍然在努力保持。because i don't want to lose all that, and even myself. but maintainence is tiring.
its hard to strike a balance, really. 一方面不想完全把自己隔离，另一方面又不想过于依赖。tell me how i'm supposed to live up to myself? sometimes i think i have expectations for myself that are sky-high, expectations that even i can't live up to. i try really hard, but i also fall really bad.
i know this post is all over the place. i can't put it in proper sequence. my mind is messed up now. 你的一句话，让我顿时，迷失了方向。and its not necessarily a bad thing. its more of a, i've been letting things flow as they are, and i really need a 旁观者 to tell me. its like a need for this knock on the head to let me snap out of things. to re-arrange, re-position things.
then again, it could be the need for support when my immune system is failing me.
i don't know. but thankyou friend. and yes, as mentioned, insanely proud of you typing in chinese. hee. ;)
love,
Jane
Labels: i need some skittles., I'm. NOT. strong. enough
& i don't seem to have ever realised why but. mondays just always seem to be the lousiest of days. i don't know why. it just turns out that way. :(
so today i dragged myself to the train station, just to find out that i was to go to work on my own. fine, i didn't mind that. i preferred it that way actually. kinda. then work was, boring, as always. i didn't manage to spend as much time as i would've preferred to cause i went to look up chad at raffles city. hence, no book-findings at the esplanade lib. :( didn't get to go to borders in town as well cause the other 3 of them were going off and i didn't really fancy spending time alone in town. bugger. so i went to look for the 8legs in the hospital, and proceeded to get lost whilst trying to look for her ward. genius innit.
AND GENERALLY, i know MOST things were probably my own fault. but stillllll, it sucks. :(
I REALLY WANNA DO THAT EFFING MONOLOGUE, JUST LET ME FIND THE SCRIPTS DAMMIT! >:(
sigh.
and yes evil one, agree with you on your latest post. absolutely.
sore throat's really bugging me. and i think the fact that i might be bringing myself to new heights in my sickness does not help. im really afraid i'll lose my voice. i have an audition this saturday. T.T and NEXT saturday as well. I NEED MY VOICE DAMMIT.
燕尾服蒙面侠 - i want him. yea. childhood prince charming.
//cue dramatic sigh
i suppose, miss i-still-keep-his-chest-hair, i think you might've been right. somehow. on what you asked me this evening. i don't know really. its this dilemma. (refer to previous post) i'm trying hard, to keep this up, keep this defence, this facade up. because i don't want to fall into this trap as well. and i'm unsure. for all the things that i've heard, i really, don't wanna put myself in this position that i'll be stabbing myself in the back. i don't want things to end up like mr crop-circles and you-know-who. i don't want to lose myself. i don't want to. but i find myself giving in. somehow. the heart rules over the mind.
i'm trying very hard not to falter. really. yes, mock me all you want like i did to you. but. i really, am at a loss now. :( this wall, is crumbling.
(text me if you must. as you've said, leave no internet footprints.)
but no. that song i told you about, true story. no lies.
and i suppose all that i've actually wanted to say was that.
i'm done with my piece.
let tuesday come, and may my dearest japanese kids bring a sunshine through these dark clouds.
love,
jane-
&i seriously wonder if i'm stepping right into your trap. all the precautions i've taken, measures to stop myself, all seem to be failing.
Labels: i need some skittles., Jane needs money. and a lot of sleep., lovelove
