today i woke up at 9am, did the stupid tissue paper survey translation, and went back to sleep. Got up in the afternoon about 3, bathed, had lunch, and left to teach. i taught 2 kids today, and went over to parkway to look for some stuff that i needed to buy. got the stuff, met dearest nat, and promptly went home. Got home, bummed about, watched tv, cleaned mugen's cage and its 3.51am now.
why do i feel like i've just wasted a day in my life? :(
oh and. i think i've realised why i tend to not tell the family about stuffs. more about that some other time i suppose.
im meeting Ethan Hawk tomorrow! or later. im. slightly excited. :) but not fan-girl excited. sigh. i should go bath and sleep cause i need to wake up at like, 8.30am. which is like, 4 hours. :(
Can you imagine if one day i'd planned to meet you, we'd talked all about the meeting time, place, our destination and all that. And suddenly on that day itself, i don't turn up for the meeting. You're left alone at the control station. Or bus stop. Or something like that. You call me on my cellphone but i don't answer it. You message me non-stop, but no replies.
And you suddenly get this message/call on your phone. To receive news that (TOUCH WOOD!) i'd died.
OR OR.
Say i'd had a busy day/holiday, and i go for a rest after that. next thing you know, i'm gone.
Because life is just fragile like that.
I'm scared silly. and totally creeped out. but in anyways, much as i hope that this isn't true and isn't real and its just all a bad prank,
RIP Haikal, you've been a good man, my dear PSL partner. Memories of you live on in each and every one of us whom you've touched in your special way. Your cheery demeanour, your positive spirit, your little actions, will not be forgotten. Love, Jane.
Dear Aries,Here is your horoscope for Friday, March 20:
You need to calm down and let others catch up to you -- or even surpass you for the time being. It's one of those days when it's easy to forget that you're in a marathon, not a short-distance sprint.
yep gilly, this might just have been what was wrong.
love,jane- we all think we're great. And we get bugged when we don't do well. But sometimes our expectations fall short. Sometimes the expected, simply pales in comparison to the unexpected. You gota wonder why we cling to our expectations, because the unexpected is what keeps us standing, standing, standing still. The expected is just the beginning. The unexpected is what changes our lives. -Meredith Grey
I know its such a chore, but sometimes, looking at that lil sidebar on my screen, i feel like putting on that inch-thick makeup that i had for love's labour's again. haha. it was fun. and i looked good. hurhur.
that aside.
Have you ever had this feeling, of having a stone on your chest, obstructing your breath, causing you to gasp for air?
Have you ever had this feeling of sadness this intense you don't know how to express or vent it out?
Have you ever felt this exasperation that is just this pent up, you don't know what to make of it?
Well, I have.
Its been 8 years of nurturing that it makes one feel almost delusional.
but somehow it seems, my parents just can't grasp, can't understand this. 8 years since primary school days. tell me how many people actually have 8 years worth of friendship with another? tell me how many people still remain close to their primary school mates? tell me how not to be upset when your best friend of 8 years leaves, indefinitely?
mom actually asked me, "is there really a need to?", when i told her i was gonna take time off teaching to send her off at the airport. she might not have known that she was leaving, almost for good. i think she didn't say anything after that, but she still didn't understand, or might even have blamed me, for taking time off work, just so i could send her.
my poor girl cried at the airport, and i just felt like joining her. but i couldn't, because that would've just led to an even bigger flood of tears.
and guess what? after such an emotional departure, all i felt like, was just to lie down and die. but nooo, i had a wedding dinner to attend. and noooo, the parents STILL did not understand the intensity of emotions i was bugged with.
sometimes i really wish i could stay alone. its not that i don't have my own space now, i do. and i appreciate my parents for giving me so much space and freedom, but sometimes, somethings are just never enough i guess.
so yea. for the past days, i've,exchanged blows with the tpjc-ians, finally met the pighead, learnt the difference between the cultures of men and women, sang alongside stars, been to the old primary school,met the bunch of people who withstood crap with me, discovered awesome finger fish&chips, watched a very manly snow white prance about, got my fat fish cup, experienced a form of loss, and had to dress up and smile at everyone the very same night, and just last night, had awesome pizza and got to see my light men.
the heart is exhausted. like really, pushed to the limit. departures one after another. let-downs one after another. lies.all lies.
i've learnt not to hope anymore. i've learnt not to take anyone's words for real anymore. i've learnt not to trust anymore. and i've learnt, that sometimes, even the people closest to you, cannot be trusted as much as you would like to trust them. they may be apologetic, they may feel guilty, they might not even care.
I've just been thinking about it recently. I think especially after the invitations for the cousins' weddings came one after another.
I think i won't ever get married. or have kids. hah.
reasons for it being, the commitment is too much. i think i will suffocate and die. or at least that's what i think for now. i mean, im not even bothered about being in a relationship, so what makes you think im gonna get married. i don't know. it could be age, really. hurhur. i mean, i used to want a boyf. i mean, having a shoulder to lean on every now and then, isn't that bad, is it? but then i think of the parts about having to entertain the other half even when im not in the mood to, even when i think its unnecessary, even when i think its dumb. i think i'll just die. i mean, im getting loads of practice now. =.=" having to entertain unnecessary comments. the sister would know what i mean. so anyways, back to my point. i was just telling js the other day, if i had to marry someone like him, i think i'd die.
yes DIE.
hang myself or jump down the building. i mean, facing the person for like, 10mins or so and patronising them is one thing. having to face them for your whole life is another. so yes, i do think i won't ever get married. i even told mom about it. she was totally cool with it. hahahah. she said shes only worried about me having no company when im old. you know, old and friends all having families to worry about and not being able to spend my time as well as i would like to anymore. but then again, there will always be pets, umm. i hope? haha. i said if i couldn't find company, i'd drag my sister to keep me occupied. :P
and as for kids. don't EVEN get me started on kids. hur.
about the world knows that they get on my nerves now.
i mean, after borders, after having to teach annoying assholes that are frikkin' 4/5 years old and can tell you, "i'm don't want to play today, i'm tired, i want to go home". frikkin' hell. yes, i kind of hate most kids now. true, there are the cute ones, my cousins are still, at this moment, rather cute, but things will change. things ALWAYS change. i already have one cousin annoying the fuck outta me, another screwing himself up, one that doesn't do much to me, but i just find him irritating, and well, the rest are still kinda fine FOR THE TIME BEING. so yea. i dislike kids.
thats point number 1.
xinyi tells me i will learn to love them when they're my flesh and blood instead of being some kid that i only have to see for an hour each week. but nooo. i think if my own flesh and blood were so screwed up, i'd kill the kid man. i mean, can you just IMAGINE, if my kid were to come out and be one of those screwed up bastards that smoke, hates chinese, spews vulgarities better than his own mother tongue, and be like one of those know-it-all assholes nowadays? i swear i'd put the kid either into the washing machine or rice cooker. or if my kid were to be one of those twits who take photos and caption them as "i bitezxxx"? or be one of those bitches that put on make-up as if its free, or decide to perm their hair one day, cut it the next, extend it the next, straighten it the next and so on? or even worse. hang out with morons and act like the whole fucking road/country belongs to them? i think i'd pop the kid straight into the microwave oven. like seriously.
so yea. i think i might never get married, or have kids.
that aside, i went to watch Marley & Me the other day. i didn't want to. basically just didn't have the interest in the show. but D dragged me into it. =.=" so yea i watched it anyways. overall comment's that the show aint too bad, but well, its just one of those shows that you'd watch and go, yea i watched it. the operation table did wet my eyes, but i'd credit that majority to baby. :( so yes. go catch it if you want to, i should think its still airing.
OH YEA. any questions for me, please look 2 posts down, and please, shoot WHATEVER questions you may have for me, AT ME. thanks.
and seriously, with friends like these, who needs other halves or kids? ♥
love,jane-
Commitments are complicated. So we should all choose our commitments wisely.
Chiman will be replaced by the stitch on the tree. hah. those days. when everything seemed so.. so much easier. when my days would be filled with laughter without a doubt.
my dearest girl. 8 years, and counting on.
i miss my ahma.
and these two youngpunk cousins.
i hate them for always leaving my hanging.
i hate them for ignoring my messages and emails.
i hate them for not turning up all the time.
i hate them for giving patronising replies.
i hate them for all that they've done, that have caused me all that disappointment.
but ultimately, i think i do love them.
its just been clouded so much, with all that doubt, disappointment and rage.
this bunch of people that have brought me nothing but agony.
but guess what?
i think i actually miss them.
no, not ALL of them. but yes, the few key ones, i think i do miss them.
my darlings. (siti shall be replaced by her brother for the time being.)
this bunch of people that one can never get enough of.
i love brown cow, for her blur/stone-ness.
i love the roach, for always playing along with my rubbish.
i love the b.queen, for always being so supportive.
i love q.jean, for who she is.
i love my dear nat, for everything that shes brought.
i love siti, for always being the clear-headed one.
and of course, i love dom, for being the sporting one, being there all the time, everytime.
i love them all, for who they are, for all the reasons above and so much more.
i miss those days.
those days of js, bean and cake.
those days of silly laughters.
i miss being the big group that we were.
true, we have pandar, auntykelly and yoda now.
but sometimes, somethings, some people, can just never be replaced.
i know they're not out to replace them.
but its just different.
no one's gonna complain about having to eat tofu, or drink milk.
no one's gonna get laughed at for only eating 2 fishballs and a bowl of rice.
of course, last but not least.
my dearest miss ong.
have you forgotten our agreement, that is gonna last for another 75 years, at the very least?
right now at this very moment,
i have nothing, but contempt for you.
nothing, but anger and irritation.
nothing, but that hint of hatred, of exhaustion, from having to listen to all your explanations.
i know. i know you're busy. i know you're tired from work. i know you're all the reasons there are. trust me, i know.
and i know that you know you've missed out from my life.
i don't blame you for that, really.
i just wish, you could've been there when i really needed you.
i just wish, you were there, when i needed someone to cry on, someone to lean on, someone, to just be there.
but you were not.
i know i cannot expect everyone to treat me as i would treat them.
but would a little thing such as lunch or dinner, or even a short meeting of half an hour, be that difficult?
if i can make time out for other people, so can i for you. so would i for you. i definitely would.
but lately it seems, maybe, giving hopelessly, single-sidedly, just doesn't seem enough.
and i am tired. tired of trying. tired of waiting hopelessly. tired of planning aimlessly, getting my hopes up, looking forward so much, just to get them all dashed, at the very last minute. without even one word from you, with no news at all, only to find out at the very end, that you're not going to be there. again. and only after i was the one who prompted, to message you, to find out if you're still frikkin' alive.
and when that reply comes, i really don't have much to say, but
why am i not surprised?
i just wish, that you could've taken more initiative. that you would've bothered more. that everything, would've meant that little bit more to you.
then again, wishes never do come true, do they?
the heart is tired. the mind is exhausted. the hopes, have long been dashed and non-existent.
till i'm ready to receive another blow, till im ready to go through this all over again.
let's wait till i'm ready. or whenever you are.
love, jane- 4am, 5.04am. why do things turn out this way?
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