Just Dance.

Wednesday, March 04, 2009

Chiman will be replaced by the stitch on the tree. hah.
those days. when everything seemed so.. so much easier. when my days would be filled with laughter without a doubt.

my dearest girl. 8 years, and counting on.

i miss my ahma.

and these two youngpunk cousins.

i hate them for always leaving my hanging.

i hate them for ignoring my messages and emails.

i hate them for not turning up all the time.

i hate them for giving patronising replies.

i hate them for all that they've done, that have caused me all that disappointment.

but ultimately, i think i do love them.

its just been clouded so much, with all that doubt, disappointment and rage.

this bunch of people that have brought me nothing but agony.

but guess what?

i think i actually miss them.

no, not ALL of them. but yes, the few key ones, i think i do miss them.

my darlings. (siti shall be replaced by her brother for the time being.)

this bunch of people that one can never get enough of.

i love brown cow, for her blur/stone-ness.

i love the roach, for always playing along with my rubbish.

i love the b.queen, for always being so supportive.

i love q.jean, for who she is.

i love my dear nat, for everything that shes brought.

i love siti, for always being the clear-headed one.

and of course, i love dom, for being the sporting one, being there all the time, everytime.

i love them all, for who they are, for all the reasons above and so much more.

i miss those days.

those days of js, bean and cake.

those days of silly laughters.

i miss being the big group that we were.

true, we have pandar, auntykelly and yoda now.

but sometimes, somethings, some people, can just never be replaced.

i know they're not out to replace them.

but its just different.

no one's gonna complain about having to eat tofu, or drink milk.

no one's gonna get laughed at for only eating 2 fishballs and a bowl of rice.

of course, last but not least.

my dearest miss ong.

have you forgotten our agreement, that is gonna last for another 75 years, at the very least?

right now at this very moment,

i have nothing, but contempt for you.

nothing, but anger and irritation.

nothing, but that hint of hatred, of exhaustion, from having to listen to all your explanations.

i know. i know you're busy. i know you're tired from work. i know you're all the reasons there are. trust me, i know.

and i know that you know you've missed out from my life.

i don't blame you for that, really.

i just wish, you could've been there when i really needed you.

i just wish, you were there, when i needed someone to cry on, someone to lean on, someone, to just be there.

but you were not.

i know i cannot expect everyone to treat me as i would treat them.

but would a little thing such as lunch or dinner, or even a short meeting of half an hour, be that difficult?

if i can make time out for other people, so can i for you. so would i for you. i definitely would.

but lately it seems, maybe, giving hopelessly, single-sidedly, just doesn't seem enough.

and i am tired. tired of trying. tired of waiting hopelessly. tired of planning aimlessly, getting my hopes up, looking forward so much, just to get them all dashed, at the very last minute. without even one word from you, with no news at all, only to find out at the very end, that you're not going to be there. again. and only after i was the one who prompted, to message you, to find out if you're still frikkin' alive.

and when that reply comes, i really don't have much to say, but

why am i not surprised?

i just wish, that you could've taken more initiative. that you would've bothered more. that everything, would've meant that little bit more to you.

then again, wishes never do come true, do they?

the heart is tired. the mind is exhausted. the hopes, have long been dashed and non-existent.

till i'm ready to receive another blow, till im ready to go through this all over again.

let's wait till i'm ready. or whenever you are.

love, jane-
4am, 5.04am. why do things turn out this way?

Labels: i need some skittles., I'm. NOT. strong. enough, photos