Wednesday, July 15, 2009
So today evening, i was feeling terrible, yes, like with a capital T.
what can i say? i'm sick.
yes, finally beaten by my own immune system. T.T yes friend, you were right, i needed a break. BUT. i still can't find a space to breathe, yet. i'm trying to though.
so anyways, my mind was racing. yes, literally racing, dashing through traffic lights and speeding. no idea why. think im at this point where im so tired that my block in my system breaks down and all those random thoughts come flooding out. GUSHING out.
i was thinking of how it would've been. if i'd gotten knocked up ala my sec4 classmate. would i be happy with a kid now instead of complaining that i dont want a boyfriend?
then i thought of what would happen if i REALLY did happen to get a boyfriend. would i be like some of my friends, who ditch their friends for their love, or like some others who ditch love for friendship? would i be the ultra stuck-on-you kind, or the i-dont-even-feel-like-i-have-a-boyfriend kind? would my relationship with the boyfriend be love-hate like a few couples i know of, or the super lovey dovey mushy kind? im curious, but not anxious to know.
then i regained being upset. (i know, sounds damn odd, but whatever.) i became upset again. because woonyong (my short&sweet M10 co-actor)'s play in the english top 30 had gotten in. i'd just imagined, what if that were us, instead? then i thought of how the team that actually got in, was not exactly excited/happy about it and i felt like, WHY NOT LET US HAVE THE CHANCE!? i'm so sore about it you absolutely CANNOT imagine.
then i realised. i THINK i'm sick. i didnt actually know, it was just this nagging headache, making me feel like my head was gonna explode. then anyways. for some reason yet unknown, i was thinking of how my funeral would be like.
i would like my funeral to be.. white, with hints of silver. not the OTT garish silver stuff i oh-so-love, but the classy kind. the little hint, that would catch the side of your eye, yet not make you feel uncomfortable.
i want it to be set abit like.. a wedding, so to say. with 2 rows of chairs, then the coffin/altar in the middle. i dont mind if we do away with all that yellow/red/green/colourful stuff that chinese always have. i dont mind. but i would still want joss sticks. HAHA. i love the smell of it. weird, i know. whatever. :p
i would want to be properly made up, looking so very pretty. i want a nice dress. somewhat like the one i had for agamemnon. long, pretty, flattering. :) i would want my nails to be nicely done up. DUH. hmm. probably something bright or sparkly, ala the normal jane style. :D haha. at this point, silver, neon pink or neon yellow all sound good. but i suppose, that would be a job i'll leave to my sister. cause she always knows the correct things to match. :)
i dont want to be wearing my specs, but i would like it to be in the coffin as well. just so i know that if i reach out, it'll be there. im insecure that way.
my "guest list". i would like to include my whole family. yep, probably even the ones that i get so annoyed with. but maybe not my grandma. seeing her cry so hard once, is enough to last more than a lifetime. spin up a lie. tell her that i.. decided to go overseas to study and stay there for good or something. - i wanna see my cousins, the evil ones from my dad's side, including benji, jolene, jasmine, and them all basically. my aunts, and the lil evil dearling. from my mum's side, my cousins, again. my aunts, my uncles, nah, maybe not the WHOLE family needs to be there, but wells. its like CNY innit?
i want my friends to be there. all my teammates- guagua, suwei, jinshu, mr teo, mdm teo, millicent, kelly, pandar, sotong pai,
my 809 dears- aisyah, charlotte, stef, jean, michelle, lyn, dom, hairil, doreen, sharil, lina, lisa, siti.
my srt darlings- nikko, gilly, andrew, daniel, lois, livi, rishi, audrey, sue, victoria, eunice, clara, fiona, adeline, chanel, kusu, aly, dan, vana, and if he would, chad.
all my ex-classmates/teachers from primary school- elaine, laufun, kingston, miss sng, joey ho, and joey chen, binghua, minhui, jieshen, jiongrui, shiyun, yenkheng, xianbi, mrs lucy tan, mdm chong, marianne (if she still remembers), weiliang, dominic, hanyang, xinying, chingkee.
my secondary school mates- zhenxu, yana, xinyi, qijie, shila, miss sim, yenkang, kimkok, evon, kailiang, derek, sili.
and of course, the people who made a difference in my sec 4 life- meiyun, saddiq, shujuan, hasif, gavin, weisheng, zhaokai, mdm chin, mdm chai, and alright, possibly jason and jerome.
then my skm mates,- mich, chiman, wendy, lijun and maybe aunty fauziah.
my band. the people who were with me for such a short time, yet brought along so much- kental, mat, beng, and bernie.
sim mates- yiwen, claresta, lucas, sam, ian, tabi, res, aisyah, faz, and yea, probably just that. never did get along with the world.
and all the random people who can't be classified like this, my sma friends, all the short&sweet people, all the people that i've met through some sort of weird coincidence.
then the people who've known me all my life,- dha gang. lulu, dj bob,
plus i'd want the auntys to be around to accompany my mum anyways.
super long guest list innit. hah. but anyways, i dont want them to be sitting around and crying. i want them to all have a little sparkling wine, a beautifully decorated white table of buffet with my favourite food, and a little speaker's corner-look alike, for people to talk about me. HAHA. i still want some glamour. :p
talk about how i made a difference in their lives, how i've managed to contribute in my little way, how people think i'm mad at times, how i was me.
and yea, a little bit of tears are alright, but no wailing please. smile! be happy that i've been set free. somewhat. and know that i'll always be there, no matter what. :)
so yea. if i EVER pass away sometime, please let people know that this is how i would like my funeral to be. haha.
and then the random thoughts had to stop cause my head was really splitting, and. i'd reached class. HAH.
love,
jane-
i do it for love love love love;
Labels: I'm. NOT. strong. enough, realisations
