Monday, August 24, 2009
Jane Chia loathes the vile way life mechanizes.
and i really do.
sometimes i just wish, that i could be emotionless. more than i am already anyway. talking to nik the other day really helped, in its small way, i guess.
im thinking, the way that i am today- care-less, lack of sympathy, heart of stone, lack of emotions- could be, might be, may be, fear.
fear, for loss.
wary, cautious, of people, of human nature.
exhaustion, and withdrawing, from all that i've seen, heard, felt.
denial, from facing up to reality.
qualms, from showing vulnerability, weakness.
which is why i've built this wall around me, this barrier, which prevents me from reaching too far in, which saves me from.. myself, basically.
for the group of them, i'd came through these walls before, but it only resulted in me being put down, and retreating in further. it came to a point where i was even afraid to voice out, among them, my dearest friends.
the wound has since been mended, but really, injuries leave scars, just as a battered heart, which flinches at the very hint of mistrust, doubt, betrayal.
this cold cold society has changed me so much. from this.. temperamental (i still am, but less) little girl- flaring up at every other thing in primary school, to this, angsty teen- holding her temper till the very last straw. to this cold, seemingly unapproachable young lady which i am today- who doesn't seem to be bothered about anything/most things.
but thats not it, i care, really. at least in my heart, in my mind, i do.
its just, this fear of letting it show. because its so tiring to burned like this.
back to my point before i let myself get so carried away with myself- dad lost an old friend recently. so very recently, like, yesterday or the day before. hes upset. i've not seen him like this since uncle j.
it pains me to see him this way, and yet, failure as i am, i don't know how i can help. i don't know how to help.
and being the man that he is, he doesn't let his emotions show- or at least not in front of me. or, there could be the possibility that hes just experienced so much that.. it becomes hard to show the emotions. (this point, which is.. just a few steps away from me as well btw.)
you see the cruel truth, this hateful reality of life is that, time doesn't stop for anyone. it waits for no man. and the only way we can deal with things, is be strong and pull through.
but what happens when we lack the ability to?
we fall, and get so affected that we aren't the same anymore. and that happens. that happens so often we don't even notice it.
and even when we DO pull through, and manage to put it behind us, what does it do?
it builds a layer around our hearts (as in my case). it sets a layer of cement to protect ourselves from suffering the same bruise, same impact, in the future should anything happen again. so much for being strong eh. we just turn emotionless.
of course, there are those, who are able to fall and stand, fall and stand, without fail. those, are the survivors. those, are the ones who remain unaffected. but there are only a handful of those. those people, are the special ones. but then, being special doesn't offer them any privilege. they get hurt all the same. its just that, to a certain extent, im sorry, but they could just be.. slow. or too optimistic. because they never do learn their lessons, do they?
so yea, much as i would like to experience life, live and love, laugh and hate, snarl and yet fall and be silly, i wish to be emotionless.
because its so much easier.
because i wouldn't have to suffer then.
because i don't want to be put in such dilemmas.
because then, the world would be perfect.
"Life, woman, life is God's most precious gift; no principle, however glorious, may justify the taking of it. - Quail not before God's judgement in this, for it may well be God damns a liar less than he that throws his life away for pride"
- Reverand Hale, The Crucible by Arthur Miller
and so, when God takes away life, he is entitled to because its His gift and He can retract it?
i'm sorry, i dont mean any offence to all you Christians or God-loving people out there. its just this spite, this anger that i cannot, simply cannot swallow.
no, do NOT, i repeat, DO NOT, preach to me. i do not appreciate it. the last thing i wanna see, is some part from the bible on my tagboard thanksverymuch.
i'm sorry for this very lengthy and wordy post.
i'm just in a.. very very foul mood now. what with helplessness and frustration taking over me.
see what i mean?
i wanna be emotionless. the easy way- the way i decide to, not after i've been hurt too many times.
越是幸福越害怕
怕它会结束 越拥抱
越是孤独
没人了解的寂寞
我自己照顾
不想让你发现我
凌乱的脚步
我努力 跟上你的速度
不再独自感受
那幸福背后藏的辛苦
-credits to delyn
but you see it, no? its such a tiring journey, which leads to nothingness. so really, why bother? because in the end, YOU, are all that matters.
love,
jane-
soul flown away.
Labels: i need some skittles., I'm. NOT. strong. enough, realisations
