Just Dance.

Tuesday, September 01, 2009

朋友，i'm SO proud of you! you actually typed that whole chunk in chinese! hee.

i would so love to reply you with a digustingly long post, in chinese. only i know you probably won't be able to understand 3/4 of it. hahaha. :P

我变了。对。i've mentioned it once and i'll say it again.

things happen so often, and we change every so often that sometimes, we don't even realise it. everyone's changing. everyday. believe it or not, accept it or not. its just a matter of, for the better or for the worse.

人，是可怕的动物。但人，也是，the thing that is closest to us.

我不喜欢我现在的这个变化。我讨厌，厌恶现在的这种脆弱，无助。

this form of vulnerability- i hate showing weakness.

but circumstances are as such. they like making us go against our wills. and that is why, i'm putting up such a fierce fight against it. ultimately who wins, we'll just have to leave it to fate innit. 我从很久以前，已经学会随缘了。haha. sounds so, buddhist teachings ah. but really. then again, it could be the fact that i've just never really bothered. whatever will be, will be. because whats the point in holding out for something that, even I'm unsure about? holding onto it tirelessly, pushing on just cause i think thats the right thing to do. i'm done with that. 我受够了。

现在的这种依赖，让我感到害怕，恐慌，彷徨。我似乎失去了自己的安全感。-自己的避风港，似乎被侵略了。我行我素的作风，我仍然在努力保持。because i don't want to lose all that, and even myself. but maintainence is tiring.

its hard to strike a balance, really. 一方面不想完全把自己隔离，另一方面又不想过于依赖。tell me how i'm supposed to live up to myself? sometimes i think i have expectations for myself that are sky-high, expectations that even i can't live up to. i try really hard, but i also fall really bad.

i know this post is all over the place. i can't put it in proper sequence. my mind is messed up now. 你的一句话，让我顿时，迷失了方向。and its not necessarily a bad thing. its more of a, i've been letting things flow as they are, and i really need a 旁观者 to tell me. its like a need for this knock on the head to let me snap out of things. to re-arrange, re-position things.

then again, it could be the need for support when my immune system is failing me.

i don't know. but thankyou friend. and yes, as mentioned, insanely proud of you typing in chinese. hee. ;)

love,

Jane

Labels: i need some skittles., I'm. NOT. strong. enough